Reply to I left my toxic marriage- YOU CAN TOO!

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm glad you've moved forward, OP. It took a lot of strength and courage. I am very interested to hear how your daughter does.

I'm feeling stuck in a similar situation, same dx, because I fear for what my kids would have to deal with when in their father's custody, without me there to look out for them. They'd be spending time with him and his family, who have multiple issues with boundaries and BPD. I don't want to throw them to the wolves. I also think they'd feel abandoned by me.

He's now in therapy and working very hard, and is aware of his issues. He's actually making changes and working on the core damage, but it's daunting.

The kids are old enough that I've been able to talk to them about their father's mental illnesses, and as you've said, to let them know it's okay to love him, while trying to teach them it's not the norm and not acceptable for someone to act as he does.

It sounds like you're doing the right things with your talks with your daughter, and having a therapist in place for her. Stay strong. [/quote]

OP here. I hear you. I had the same reservation for the same reasons, and also my husband was hitting the weed REALLY hard and would not quit. I felt there was no real good solution either way. The tipping point was an accumulation of my realizations, things he said and did, and then acting out in front of our daughter.  I dont know what his awareness of his issues is. It does not appears to be there, but apparently he is seeing his shrink.

As you are aware, BPD is really not a reparable condition, but perhaps if your husband has enough good will left in him to work out some issues, he could become more stable and you could perhaps negotiate a separation on better terms. I found this book called "Hard to Love" about male borderline personality disorder. Its written MBPD's and their partners who are trying to work it out.

Also there is a forum I found called "out of the fog" based on a book all about personality disorders from the vantage point of families and loved one's of PD's.  THere is a subforum just for people trying to stick it out, and another one for people like me who have decided its time to quit. Its SUPER supportive and I would highly recommend it.

Im so sorry to hear about your situation. There are no good answers, really. I can only advise to make sure you seek help for YOU because you want to make sure you dont get bound into something bad just because he is appearing to work on it, or even actually IS working on it. Ive noticed on the forums that BPD's expect ALOT of forgiveness. Its alot to expect of yourself to be willing to hang in there under these conditions. Make sure you dont lose your own core here. Life does not need to be dictated entirely by how BPD he is or how aware he is. http://outofthefog.net/forum/
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