Reply to How do I help my 13y/o son care about his grades?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You might want to move away from focusing on grades, and instead focus on learning, improvement, and the discreet behaviors that will help him learn and improve (and be organized, etc.).  ??  I have no expertise in this area, well, maybe a little... :)  What I mean is that if he's struggling to get an A or B in math, don't focus on the A or B.  Focus on identifying what he can do well (note and celebrate!), what he can do with help (celebrate and strategize!), and what he has a much harder time doing and understanding (tutor? focus on incremental improvement?).

You can monitor this day by day, and even engage in more regular conversations with his teachers, maybe?  Helping him identify his progress (not just attaining the "A") might also promote the kind of motivation that will serve him well for the rest of his life?

Finally--is he getting the kind of support he REALLY needs in school?  For example, it seems to me that IEPs often identify "more time" as the primary accommodation. Well, just providing more time for strategies and instruction that doesn't work well in the first place can just breed frustration and boredom and disengagement.  So ask yourself: Is your child getting the kind of supports that he REALLY needs?[/quote]

If he lacks intrinsic motivation, and you think he really CAN do it, then offer some exceedingly enticing extrinsic motivation.  In our case, TV time and computer time are coveted activities, so our daughter has to earn them.  We say she can earn AS MUCH TV, movie, and computer time as she wants, and it's never take away (though sometimes it is postponed, e.g., if it's too late to start a movie, she can bank it later for the appropriate time).  This doesn't lead to endless TV watching...  in fact, she's got a very balanced life.  Because I know what her assignments are, and I have a sense for what is harder versus easier for her, I value each chunk accordingly.  That is, an easy assignment that takes only a few minutes earns her 15 minutes.  A harder assignment might be 30 minutes, or else chunked into 15 minute segments so she can do each portion over the course of a week or whatever.  Good communication with the teacher (sometimes in advance, sometimes with notes on the homework wrt what she could do independently, what was moderately or more difficult and why) helps the whole thing move along.  We do focus on PERSISTANCE in the face of challenge; using good STRATEGIES; articulating what she knows AND doesn't know (metacognition); and IMPROVEMENT.  We have a little three-ring binder where we keep key artifacts and we look back at it from time to time to note how much she's improved.  "Remember when you had a hard time with X?  Well, now you can do X with NO HELP and you're making good progress with Y!"

The conversation has moved from what she's lacking and not good at, to what she knows, has gained, and strategies for getting help with and learning more about harder material.

This might work for you, too.  :)  It's not perfect, but, WOW, our relationship with our daughter AND her productivity and motivation has really changed for the better![/quote]

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