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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why don't you go outside and help him? Ask him what you can do? Read something about gardening and ask his opinion. Instead of looking at fb or dcum I would read something about winter gardens or small greenhouses. Ignore the glare when he takes his headphones off. I would have walked out to the garden naked or in something sexy during that nap. Be more aggressive in getting what you want.[/quote]

This is a good idea, but I have tried it to no avail.  I walk out to the garden and he is annoyed to have to take off his headphones.  He does not want to garden side-by-side -- there is plenty of room for it and I would be totally fine with working on weeding together if we could have a conversation! I've been desperate enough that I've even worked along side him without him talking to me, but on at least that one occasion, he got kind of frustrated that I was doing things differently than the way he would do them himself, and he got frustrated even trying to explain it to me, so he just said I could be in charge of it and went into the house to do something else, away from me.

It's hard not to conclude that he just has no desire to spend any time with me, which is a pretty crappy place to be after such a short marriage.  We were together for four years before marriage, and the relationship had it's intensely close, intimate period, which lasted maybe a year or so, and it's been up and down since then, but we were intensely close again at the time we got engaged.  (He was in therapy and extremely emotionally available then, which is what got me to accept his proposal even though I had had reservations about how distant we had gotten.)

Now he's swung back to being distant, so distant, so much more distant than ever.  He used to talk about how awful his first marriage was, how they weren't friends on any level very quickly into the marriage, but that they stayed together nearly 15 years for their child, and that he doesn't want that; he wants a friend in marriage.  But we're not friends.  We're cordial, distant roommates who occasionally are naked together and love our wonderful little child.   I've said to him so many times things like, "Honestly, it really doesn't seem like you want to be married to me.  If you're happier by yourself, doing gardening, riding alone, listening to podcasts all the time, that's fine, there's nothing wrong with that.  Why should we be married then?"  But he always protests that he's happy the way things are.

I guess it's coming down to feeling like it doesn't really even matter to me that he's happy the way things are - I'm not at all happy and he's not at all willing to change or work on it.  He blows up at me when I try to talk about it, he's not willing to go to therapy with me, he's not willing to go to therapy on his own, and I'm just falling further and further down a well of despair.  [b]But then I think of how insane I'd be to think of breaking up our family when he is such a good dad.  And (on paper) such a devoted husband.  He packed me a lunch for this morning, for instance -- with vegetables and dip, leftovers from last night, my daily vitamins, a paper towel, and a piece of my favorite candy for dessert.  How thoughtful and lovely is that?  So thoughtful.  Only I would rather have had 5 minutes of conversation with him rather than him spend 5 minutes making me my lunch.  Which makes me feel like an ungrateful jerk, but it's come to the point that I actually am not all that grateful. [/b] I didn't ask for a lunch.  I asked, begged for time together.  But I got a lunch and a clean car and laundry folded and bottles washed and a clean kitchen and who am I to complain when he does so much?

Everyone's kind and perceptive replies are almost making me even more depressed about the whole thing.  [/quote]

OP, I went through a similar phase with a low libido DW when the babies came.  I told her how much I appreciated all the gestures - the meals, the clean house, the chores all done - but that I really wanted sex and intimacy.  And that of the things I wanted in life - a nice home, good food, friendship, sex and intimacy, the sex and intimacy were the ones I could only get from her (we could outsource the rest).

I don't understand how anyone can demand celibacy from their partner.  Either sex is a big deal, something that cements the bonds of marriage, or it isn't that big of a deal and therefore he should have no problem with you getting it elsewhere.  Your soul is going to whither and your esteem will be shredded if your husband doesn't change something.  Men don't take subtle hints, and although it sounds like you have raised the issue, you may have to do it very bluntly.  If he doesn't change after a blunt conversation, you have to choose between being married or being happy.

I feel for you and wouldn't fault you if you had an affair.[/quote]

OP here - thanks for the understanding.  It's funny how the role reversal with new moms vs. new dads feeling a lack of intimacy is really resonating!

I [b]would[/b] fault myself for having an affair.  I would not have an affair.  I'd end the marriage first.  I'm probably vulnerable to an emotional affair, and I will guard against it, but it would certainly be very seductive to have a co-worker actually be interested in talking to me.  As it is, my office mate who I see only 2 days a week talks to me more than my husband does.  I wouldn't cross the line when it comes to sex, but I'm not willing to live the rest of my life being rejected all the time.  (Obviously, I'll stop initiating entirely at some point.)  But if things don't change, I can't see that we could stay together.  Not so much because I can not live without sex - I could see it if he were injured or something - but because I see it as a lubricant for everything else -- it smooths over all the rough edges between people...it keeps the gears humming in a marriage.  And I can already see ours getting damaged from all the friction between us.  I don't want my child being raised in a household with that kind of friction, with no affection and laughter and friendship between parents.  And I don't want it for myself.  (Sigh)[/quote]

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