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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Kind of a gender role reversal, but this dynamic is not at all uncommon with the woman neglecting her husband due to all of the housework that "has" to be done.

Good luck breaking that cycle. [/quote]

This isn't at all similar to that. He is creating work and projects for himself to avoid her, the podcasts are also pure avoidance. He's unhappy with something, or has energy to burn...but he is not driven by a sense of responsibility to the household here. What a strange dynamic. OP, he may take great care of the house and his job and child but he's not taking good care of his marriage. That is a 100% legit way for you to feel. What if you scheduled a family therapy session and had a chance to say this all to him in front of a counselor? Could you get him there, and would it help him express what's truly going on?[/quote]

I think it's very similar. I don't know that we can conclude he's not motivated by a sense of responsibility to the household. New mothers often feel like the kid "needs" a lot more than he or she actually does and that the house needs more than it actually does. And, because they're satisfying these self-imposed burdens in the name of "responsibility to the family," they often neglect their marriages. Don't want to interact with their husbands because they're "all touched out" or "need some me time."

Looks like that's very similar to what OP's husband is doing. He's doing things which, on their surface, are for the family - but, because they are above and beyond what's actually necessary, show a certain kind of selfishness. (E.g. are the baby sign language classes because the kid actually needs them or because new mom wants to have bragging rights in her mom circles? Is the organic baby food actually necessary for the child to be healthy or is OP's husband looking to show off / avoid his wife?) Is the "me time" / podcast time reasonable in light of the declining connection between husband & wife?

I think they are similar situations and OP's husband has his priorities out of whack. He needs to dial down his roles as father / podcast enthusiast and dial up his role as husband. [/quote]

OP here.  I do share your view of the tasks -- it's not that they are not useful to our household.  They are hugely useful.  It's just that he feels pressure to be doing things like weeding the vegetable garden as if it is a necessity, and I don't see it as a necessity at all.  I do think a lot of moms that I know get like this -- they have unnecessarily high standards for housework or closet organizing or pureeing perfect organic foods or whatever...these are WANTS, not NEEDS, IMO.

In addition, some of the things he is doing are definitely needs -- like, cooking us dinner - but because he does them with headphones on the whole time and is irritated and inconvenienced when I try to make any sort of conversation or work together on something, they become solitary activities rather than something we can do as a family.

So many people in our extended family, on both sides, think that he is a f'ing saint.  And on paper he is.  I really don't know any other husband who does so much.  He's like superdad the way some driven moms are super mom.  I really do relate to those husbands who feel neglected and overlooked as their wives pursue the latest Pinterest project or something.  And I'm sure he could get on here and complain that I'm not pulling my weight.  I'm not.  I'm really, really not.  I'm so depressed and so isolated and so lonely that I'm checking out, too, spending time on DCUM or Facebook on my phone while he's out weeding rather than going downstairs and folding laundry or paying bills.

Responses here have been so very kind, I really do appreciate it.  And it makes me feel slightly less lonely, though it probably shouldn't.  I need real friends, not just anonymous kind people.  But the anonymous kind people are much, much appreciated.[/quote]

OP, I am a man here and you have my complete sympathy.  To be truthful, you are an absolute saint, and I think you are giving your husband way too much credit because this is a gender reversal of the more common problem of a man wanting sex and intimacy (among other things) and the woman turning into super mom when the baby comes and losing any sense of being the wife and romantic partner that was the basis of the marriage.

I am really hesitant to say this, as I don't know your husband, but he it does sound like he might be gay.  If he is not, he is definitely avoiding intimacy for some other reason.  And leaving gender essentialism aside, it is not normal at all for a man to not want sex.  Men need sexual release, and the fact he isn't going to you for it means something is really wrong.

When my wife turns into supermom and away from being my wife and sexual partner, I do speak up very clearly.  It is not easy - trust me, it can lead to tears - but if I don't I know our marriage will end or I will cheat.  I usually explain it this way (condensed version):  I want to have a good healthy sex life.  DW is my only approved sexual outlet.  If she isn't going to be my sexual partner, then I will be miserable or I will ask to see another sexual partner.

I honestly wonder if your husband would care if you had an affair.  Although my guess is if you started seeing a guy who paid attention to you and rocked your world sexually you would have no reason to return to your husband.  Best of luck to you.[/quote]

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