Reply to Has a male boss ever told you to be "nicer"?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Do you reflexively scream sexism at every opportunity? I have told many a male and female underling to be nicer, work better together, get a attitude adjustment, etc. This isn't a gender thing necessarily.[/quote]

Um, nope.  Without going into all the details here, my example involved sending a matter-of-factly email staff person who had shared private info outside of the company -- a big deal b/c we are publicly traded and are involved in a transaction.  (Yes, I am the compliance officer, so it is my job to watch out for these issues.)

My email was straight-forward and said, basically, this type of thing can not happen again and here's why.  The boss told me I should consider being nicer because this wasn't received well.  I then asked the boss if he had read the email b/c I didn't think there was anything out of the ordinary about it. He told me he hadn't read it, but that the employee was upset.  I told him the employee was probably upset because he realized that he exposed the company to a serious issue (not because I was "mean" to him).  I sent my boss the email, and, upon reading it, he acknowledged that it wasn't bad…but that I should still consider trying to be nicer in because that employee was upset!

Flash to the next day.  In a meeting with that same boss and some other male execs.  One of the execs starts screaming at the top of his lungs, shouting to a staff person that "you really f-cked that up" and threw a plastic cup of water at the wall.  There was no admonition to that exec about being nicer.

I know its easy to assume the woman in these cases is really the mean bitch, but honestly, that wasn't the case here.  So, I was wondering how others have dealt with it.[/quote]

Wow! Would never have used email for this--would have spoken to employee in person.

Also, depending on your relationship with your boss, I would have asked him if he every had asked cup throwing exec to tone it down.  I also would have considered the judicious walk out, which, when reserved for very bad behavior, can be every effective.[/quote]

Well, I think this is really the crux of the issue OP is trying to get to. Women are held to a different standard of "niceness" than men are. I see it at my firm--which is in many ways very progressive--all the time. There are male execs in our firm who berate and belittle people regularly, in really public and humiliating ways; they are known for it, and people joke about it. But women who are professional but direct are told that they are intimidating.

Maybe in an ideal world OP should have delivered her message in person rather than by email. But what she did wasn't inappropriate, unprofessional, or "not nice." Meanwhile, male execs are throwing tantrums in meetings, cursing at fellow employees and throwing things. OP is calling out a real double-standard, and it's sad to see how many women accuse her of "crying sexism" rather than considering the possibility that sexism is still deeply entrenched in most workplaces.[/quote]

12:29 appears to be a different poster than OP.  12:29 is in the private sector, while OP is in SES.  12:29 gives evidence of a double standard--berated for a not nice email (about an offense which in my office likely would have resulted in a security escort out of the building), while male execs throw things against the while after publicly dressing down employees.

12:29 seems to have a legitimate beef with her workplace.  OP on the other hand seems to have mishandled communication with a more junior (but not subordinate) employee who did not meet her expectation of doing his or her job.  OP should look at the advice of 12:26.  12:29 should be looking for other employment unless she's paid enough to overlook really bad behavior at her work place.[/quote]

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