Reply to Separation & child abuse- how to address?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Separation & child abuse- how to address?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Take what I say with a grain of salt.  I would be very cautious in how you present your separation agreement.  Even the most level headed spouses can get vindictive and angry during a separation and divorce.  Usually, if they are angry they will try to hurt you by controlling access to the kids or money.  In your case, you spouse will quickly realize that your greatest fear is him spending time alone with the kids overnight.

When I went through this, my therapist was a child advocate in many, many court trials for the county.  She said that unless your spouse has a conviction for child abuse related problems, the court will grant him 50/50 custody in most cases.  She did testify at trials where she advocated that in the child's best interest one or the other parent should have limited access.  It sounds like your situation would be very tough to prove.  Your spouse is not the same type of parent that you are (and you consider him abusive), but if CPS doesn't agree -- you may have a hard time getting the courts to limit your DH's access.

I would present the agreement in such a way that you offer him the choice of as much access as he would like during the day.  I'd present the choice for you to keep them overnight as a matter of stability and continuity for the kids (don't tell DH you don't trust him).  Most guys demand 50/50 access to begin with and then quickly drop off their commitment to see the kids as they realize how much work it is to juggle their schedules.

If you really want control over your kids and how they spend their time, don't get a divorce.  I know that sounds sanctimonious -- but it is the truth.  Divorce gives you a lot less control of decisions regarding your kids than you had when you were married.  While it sounds crazy, if you are really concerned about your kids -- you may want to stay married, as sucky as that would be for you.[/quote]

I have a non-abusive mentally ill ex.  I was afraid to leave my kids with him overnight due to negligence/irresponsibility and poor judgment.  Similar to your situation, the courts would not take into account the mental illness or "close calls" with the kids.  I found that over time, my ex chose to leave the kids with me.  It was very overwhelming for him to have them.  As the PP suggested, I presented keeping the kids overnight as a matter of convenience for him.  I allowed him to come over several times a week, with me in the house, to have dinner with us and participate in bed/bath.  When he came, I was not hostile, I tried to give him space with the kids and step back as much as possible.  Soon, he would also ask me to come with him sometimes on outings (easier for him).  Since we were never married, we didn't have to go thru a formal divorce and written separation agreement.  It's been a little bit of a gamble for me not to get a written custody agreement in the beginning, but long term it has worked out really well for the kids.  They have a stable place, living with me full-time, and they see their Dad 3-4 times a week.    He moved out, at my request, and never filed for custody.  Now, if he tried to challenge the situation legally (or if I had to due to an deterioration in his illness), I believe I would have very good grounds for full custody.  If I had presented this option to him at the start as an necessary arrangement due to his mental illness (or abuse, in your case), he would have rejected it and likely fought.

You really need to think carefully about the notion of staying vs. leaving.  On the one hand, if you stay, as a PP says, you may have more control of your child's environment, but one thing you will not be able to change is his abusiveness which will happen whether you are there or not, it sounds like.  On the other hand, if you divorce, you potentially risk losing control of the kids 50% of the time but can establish a 100% healthy environment for them th other 50% of the time.  I choose the latter.  In the end, I believe it was the best choice for all of us.

One thing that helped my situation is that my ex is not a high-conflict oriented person (either ill or stable).  When given an easy way out, he usually takes it.  
[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics