Reply to I Just Don't Care Much for My Sister

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "I Just Don't Care Much for My Sister"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]HI.  I am the OP.  Thank you for all of the responses.  Also to the PP - I do like your comments about having a chance to "choose your family" once you reach adulthood.

Since we do have such a small family, I am often reluctant to call her on mean, harsh comments.  I just figure I will alienate her more and then my daughter won't see her cousins (My sister's kids).   So I just take the abuse.   Usually, I just stay away from her and don't communicate for awhile.

Thank you for affirming my decision to only have one child.  I see moms like you with three kids and I think how lucky you are.  I would have loved another child like the one I have.  As we all know, there is no guarantee that siblings will be close though.   Yes, you CAN do alot with one child.  My daugher has a wonderful life full of nice vacations, lots of fun extracurriculars, piano lessons, sports, friends, a dog coming soon, and lots of love.  We were older when we had her so we have more money to spend on her.   No sister to beat up on her though.  :-)

THANK YOU![/quote]

NP, OP I know you've already described yourself as quieter and sensitive, so what I'm about to say may be really hard for you to do, but after reading this thread I don't see what other options you have: you need to sit your sister down, tell her you love her, you've always loved her, and you will always love her, but when she puts you down it hurts you deeply and you're getting ot the point where you can't really deal with it any more.  You don't want to cut down on communication with her, and you'd hate to lose your relationship with her, but it's not fair that she is constantly putting you down and because you are sisters, you need her to stop.

See what her reaction is.  She may not realize that's how you feel, even though it seems so obvious to you.  Or, she may know perfectly well how you feel but she may not realize how it's impacting you.  Who knows, but the thing is you are an adult and you shouldn't be allowing yourself to be beaten on (even if verbally or emotionally) without trying to resolve it.  Your sister's reaction has to be owned by your sister, you can't control it and it's not going to be "your fault", you would just be telling her how her actions affect you and that you're getting to the point where it hurts too much.

Do you think you can do that?  Do you see the value in trying?  You really never know, it could really be a game changer.  In my experience (more so as someone who works with dysfunctional families but in my personal experience too) I am still, after more than a decade of this work, amazed and astounded by the power of sincere, kind, couched-in-"I truly do love you and I don't want to lose you"-language, an honest statement about cause and effect and negative consequences can be.  A conversation that starts out as "I really really do love you, we've been through so much as sisters, even if we went through it in different ways.  You're the only family I have, and I would never want to lose you.  But the way you've been treating me forever has hurt me deeply.  Maybe you are treating me like this because of how hurt you are/were, but I need you to know how it affects me today and that I feel like I can't take your criticism and put downs anymore.  It's too much, it's not fair, and I can't handle it anymore.  I don't want to lose you but I need you to not be so mean."

That is an *entirely* different conversation from something like "What is wrong with you???  Why are you always so mean???  Stop being so mean!  Or I'm out!"

So many people see being honest as = confrontation or being mean or too risky.  But if you don't tell your loved ones what you need from them, you deny them the opportunity to step up to the bar, to consider your view and see if it changes anything for them.  Sometimes it changes nothing; sometimes it makes things worse.  Then you need to adjust and do what you need to to protect yourself, knowing that you did the right thing by being honest and explaining how you felt.  But so so so much of the time... it leads to positive change.  It's a turning point.

I hope you'll be able to tell her how you feel, based in how you don't want to lose her.  But you're an adult, you're a mom, you also have to be ready for it to not go well, and if she does shut down, just check in with her once in awhile, tell her you still love her and hope you guys can find your way back to a relationship but one where neither of you is mean to the other or lashes out at the other.  Hold onto that boundary, because it's a healthy boundary and would serve both of you well.

That's my .32 cents... :)  Good luck OP![/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics