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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This could certainly be me too, how do you find the strength to get out when your worn down? I know I want out and I can't muster the strength to do it. [/quote]

I've been that way for so many years. I can't let my daughter get there too. I had an epiphany. He's not as scary now because I know what he says is bullshit. Letting go of that constant effort to keep things calm is amazing. I finally believe it isn't my fault. He still believes it is, but I am caring a lot less about what he thinks now. [/quote]

Im one of the PP's in this boat. I also do not want my daughter growing up this way. DH may be improving slowly, but I am beginning to think he may be too far gone to ever have a happy marriage with. I might be able to achieve "ok".

The only thing that really kept me in this marraige besides false hope that the guy I married would come back or even ever existed is the fact that I am completely financially dependent on him. I also homeschool our daughter because the public school system would not accomodate her and we cannot afford the wonderful private montessori school we swumg for one year to rescue her from the public school situation. She is thriving, but she also has anxiety and ADD issues. Its such a terrible mess. I hope I can just keep things around here stable enough for her while I somehow figure out a way to make a living around homeschooling, or at least get something started and eventually maybe she can re-integrate into a public school.

To the poster quoted at top, I think you and I will probably both need to figure out a way to rebuild ourselves while still in the marriage in order to find that strength to leave.

If I had an independent career, I would have moved out long ago. Im not sure it would have been the right thing then, but by the time I manage to do it, it will be the right  and only right thing.

[/quote]

A big part of my motivation is the realization that I'm teaching my daughter this is what love is supposed to be like.

I started reading a book on codependency because it had info on setting boundaries. I'm shocked about how much of it is accurate. It says in hurting him by letting it continue without consequence and I'm losing myself in the process. [/quote]

PP here. YES. Exactly.

I have never considered myself a co-dependent because I am in fact not. DH is manipulative and selfish, and managed to elude EVERY therapist AND psychiatrist using techniques of deception and self deception in the perfect combo.

Now that the kitty is out of the bag, he is still completely in denial about the long term consequences of his years of inexcusable behavior. He just recently stated that he now sees how out of control he was, thanks to medication and time. I asked him to put that in writing- just a few things that he sees so I can have it tangibly. He said "Do I _have_ to write it down?" ilke its a big fucking bother. I saud calmly, yes, actually, you do. I need to have something you say be in tangible form.

A few weeks later when he had not done it I told him i thurt me that he didnt understand why I needed it and acted like it was a bother. This is via email because he is out of town. He wrote back a farily brief and nice note that addressed the things in question SORT of but then he added a couple of paragraphs about how he is demeaned by me "acting like" he wants going to write it. Then he was all pissy about how little itme he had that day and "all he had one" was write to me.

He could not grasp that this was not the sincere thing I was looking for. He cannot comprehend, because he is SO SELFISH, that its NOT NICE to write to the spouse that you know you have verbally abused for YEARS an email with a tone that lets her know how much it wastes your time to tell her anything. Then we talked briefly on the phone this morning and he told me that when "something is wrong with you, I lose focus" from his tasks at hand. WHAT AN ASS. I had to explain that his focus is not the only thing that matters, that I too have focus that gets thrown off when HE treats me like a bother for expressing emotions and feelings that are the direct result of his abuse.

I am starting to think I need to TELL him that I realize he does not nor ever has, and probably never will care about my feelings. But you know what? All that will do is destabilize his fragile self esteem and give him an excuse to abuse me further. And that is not going to happen.[/quote]

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