Reply to Drinking Scapegoat

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here's my take.  Because he is an alcoholic/has a drinking problem he's going to interpret anything he hears as permission to keep drinking and twist anything he hears as support for his drinking and denial of the fact that he has a problem in the first place.  On top of that, you are passive, passive-aggressive, manipulative, and unable to give him a clear and absolute "NO" about his drinking because you don't want any responsibility for it and you want to be a princess.  Together, you are a train wreck.

You asked.[/quote]
Thank you for your answer. Every time I have asked about dealing with an alcoholic on here, people day they have to own their own recovery and you can't make them stop. So, based on that advice, I don't make rules for him. I am not his mother.

My therapist does know him, so it's not a matter of me hiding the truth. We originally tried couples counseling with the therapist when I was seeing someone else individually. The therapist has seen first-hand what happens if you suggest he needs to change. First, he threatens to kill himself. Then he threatens to sue the therapist. So this is why we don't do couples counseling.

I think you might be right that together we are a train wreck. I have been struggling for a long time what to do, especially for the kids' sake. But if complete strangers can see this is a train wreck, it!s time to admit it and get out and hope he doesn't spiral downward so that the verbal abuse of the kids we saw all the time before the intervention comes back.[/quote]

You don't understand the difference between extending a clear message that you consider him an alcoholic who cannot drink, ever vs. "setting the rules."

If you extend the message that you consider him an alcoholic WHO MUST STOP DRINKING, PERIOD, FOREVER -- then that is the only rule.  There are no other rules.  The fact that you consider this to be about "rules" -- he can drink one glass of white wine, he can drink if I have the car keys, just shows how fucked up the two of you are in your thinking.  The two of you are locked in gamesmanship.

Who cares if he threatens to kill himself?  That's what alcoholics do.  Who cares if he threatens to sue the therapist?  That's the therapist's problem, not yours.

Yes, OP, the truest thing you have written is that only he can recover.  You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.  Repeat that to yourself 10 times every day.

BTW, my husband now has 24 years sobriety.  I've been where you are.  It sucks.  Get off the crazy train before it runs you down and kills your kids too.[/quote]

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