Reply to Straight A's but only if I yell

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, you really don't seem to understand the difference between INTERNAL and EXTERNAL motivation.  If you did, you would be making very different choices in your relationship with your DD.

Please slow down and think about what you're doing.

Your behavior is teaching your daughter that there are two reasons to study and work hard in school:

(1) To please you (or to avoid you yelling at her); and

(2) To keep her privileges (or not lose them to your punishment.)

Nothing in there focuses on how i feels TO HER to succeed or fail in school, or how it feels TO HER to work hard and enjoy the good results (learning something new, getting a good grade, discovering a new strength).

Do you see the difference???

So far, you've directly taught her to work hard in order to get (or not lose) something from someone else. Specifically, from YOU.

My mother did the same thing and yes, it worked in the short term.  As a child and teenager, I got excellent grades in order to avoid her yelling at or grounding me.  As I got a little older, I also developed a deep resentment of her for trying to control my choices and for crowding out my ability to figure things out on my own.  It was terrible my for our relationship.  We were never close growing up (though I always put on a fake happy face in order keep her off my back), and we're certainly not close now that I'm an adult.

You seem to care about credentials, so here are mine:  I skipped a grade as a child, and I went to an Ivy League college.  I struggled tremendously my first few years there.  My mother had been so heavy-handed about the external motivators that I had never learned what it felt like to be internally motivated.  Ultimately I figured things out, but there was a TREMENDOUS cost to me in my 20s and 30s, not to mention it destroyed my relationship with my mother.  (Who wants to be close to someone who yells at them?)

My advice:  BACK OFF NOW!!  Your DD is ten, which is the perfect age for her to start experiences the natural consequences of her choices.  If she doesn't put the work in, she will get a lower grade.  Let her figure out what she thinks about that and what she might want to do differently next time.

In the meantime, continue to hold "high standards" by telling her what you know she's capable of achieving when she puts in the hard work.  But let her experiment with making some choices.  Ten is the perfect age to grant her a little more autonomy.

Finally, you said in an earlier post that you think she works hard in order to "not disappoint you" or something like that.  My guess is she doesn't give a crap about disappointing you.  She just wants you to stop yelling at her and start giving her her stuff back.  Basically, she does what you say to get you off her back.  (Again, that's EXTERNAL motivation.)

If you want to read more on this subject, I highly recommend starting with Carol Dweck's work (she's a Stanford professor, in case you care), as well as with Self-Determination theory (University of Rochester.)

Here's a good intro article to get you started on the Self-Determination Theory of Motivation:  http://www.education.com/reference/article/self-determination-theory-of-motivation/ 
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