Reply to Bystnader to an abusive relationship

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Bystnader to an abusive relationship"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]OP how old are the kids and what do you observe about their behavior?  How do they act towards their dad?  Towards their mom?  I have worked with dysfunctional families for decades.  In situations like this where one parent is broken and cannot stand up for themself, and especially where htey say they're "staying for the kids", I focus my energy in trying to support them on their kids.

I point out that kids always know what's going on, and they learn what is modelled for them, not what is said.  I ask the abused/broken parent "If your kids were grown and in the exact situation, what would you want them to do?  If htey were living walking on eggshells and had a partner who yelled/insulted/terrified/whatever the wife is doing, how would you want them to react?"  Almost always the answer is they'd want their child to leave.  "Well, how do you expect your kids to learn that if you don't model it for them?  They are learning that abuse (or if he's in denial about being abused, call  it "bad behaviour" or "hurtful behavior" "negative behavior" whatever works) kids are learning every day that you tolerate it, placate it, live with it, let it control you and your family.

And the outcomes of learning that are AWFUL.  Kids grow up drastically more likely to be abused or abusers.  To not know how to stand up for themselves - on the playground, in a date-rape situation, in jobs, in relationships.  They get walked all over or they walk all over.  Is that what your brother wants for his kids?  Because that's what they're learning.

This is the tact I often take (but more professionally and not so up front, depending on the relationship I have with the family and the urgency of acting).  I appeal to the fact that most parents think they're doing what's best fo rtheir kids.  I show them  how they are complicit in doing HARM to the kids by letting this go on like this.  Then you offer concrete next steps.  Like legal planning for a back up escape plan.  I don't jump to "leave the abuser", but I do know that abusive people can sense when their partner is getting a little empowered, seeing things a little differently. I believe in helping battered or broken partners plan ahead.  What are the child custody laws like there?  Is he the income-earning spouse?  He needs to see a lawyer.  Also find out what resources are in his area for victimes of abuse, especially male victims.  Connect him with a hotline to just help him see that his situation is not acceptable, not going to help anyone, and is hurting everyone.  And to know what his options are.

Lastly, since you're his sister and you love him and are worried, educate yourself.  Find a local resource to you re: domestic violence and call them as a concerned sibling, ask them what advice they have for you.  What conversations to try to have.

In a situation like this, the broken family member is often so broken, they can't see a way out.  It might take the abusive spouse physically abusing a child to wake them up.  But don't fool yourself, the fact that she takes all her anger out on him does NOT mean the kids aren't affected negatively.  You may be the only person with a relationshiop to your brother that can help him take the first steps to see the situation, and address it.  Please don't give up on him if he seems unwilling/unable to see things or take a step.  Try as much as you can to be patient and to hang in for him, but only as much as you can without hurting yourself or your own family.

Good luck, he's lucky to have a sister who sees what's going on and who wants to help.  Good luck.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics