Reply to Views/Differences on Education for Children is Causing Rift in Marriage

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
If your DH had more info. about the school -- like visceral info -- maybe he'd see the same concerns you have.  I typically am suspicious of people who claim their school is so "bad" that they can't send their kids there ... then it turns out that it is a "6" on Great Schools which is above average.  But, in your case, I am pretty sure you're not kidding about it being a failing school.  So, that's why I suggest putting DH in the position where he can get a first hand view of the school (and you can get a first hand view as well).  You can read all the stats you want, but until you see something first hand, you won't really internalize it.  That would be my first step.  I would also have a conversation -- with a genuinely open mind -- to find out what characteristics a school would have to have for it to be acceptable, and whether there are any "unacceptable" characteristics.  Is he really against moving (b/c it's such an effort and upheval, or the financial burden of buying up) or is he against the idea of private (b/c it's the opposite of what he had)?

I don't think you need therapy or couples counselling until you both have seen the school in question from the inside (literally and from parents of kids who go there).  Right now, you have one picture and DH has another picture.  Until you have the SAME DATA POINTS, you are never going to find common ground in what you value.  I think you value the same things that most parents value -- he just thinks this school might be o.k. and you think this school is in the crapper.  Start by finding the values that you have in common (i.e. safety, teachers that speak respectfully to the kids, teachers that are prepared, classmates that you'd want your kids to have as friends, etc.).  Then visit the school and talk to parents of the kids, ... then you both make a decision on whether this school fits the values.  I bet you have more in common than you think.  If you are disagreeing on whether the school fits after visiting, then it's time to find an arbitrator/counselor.[/quote]

+1
 I was going to say the exact same thing.  You have to agree on the values you have in common for what you want in a school. Even at a not so great school, a child can get a good education especially if the parent is working with the child at home (I.e. reading, making sure homework is done, providing enrichment or extra help as needed).  You need DH to have first hand information to see if the school is providing what you both believe is important for your child.  Make sure he is active in your child's education and in talking with the teacher(s) etc.  Have him attend the important board of education meetings and community meetings about the school changes and curriculum.  Second hand and third hand information is not the same when you are talking about spending significant amounts of money to move to private school. Instead of making it a battle of wills where one person wins and another person loses, let first hand experience do the convincing.  This goes the other way too where you need to have an open mind that maybe elementary is okay or there are GT or magnet or charter school public school options that will work.  Just remember too in context of schools you have to factor your child's personality.  Some kids will do well wherever and have that blend of good grades and being able to be well liked and make friends easily and will keep up his/her grades even if friends do not or will find friends with similar academic habits.  Other kids can struggle with any of those things.

I had parents that were not on the same page about education and life experiences and I always though to myself how much better things would have been if they had found a middle ground and had both appreciated what the other person's perspective brought to the table.  You don't want one parent to feel cut out of the process, or that his/her opinion and experiences did not count.  As a kid, we never took a vacation that didn't involve just staying at a relatives house the whole time (there was no group outing to any place while staying at grandma's).  DH's parents were teachers and they used the summer to travel across the US.  These were no luxury vacations(think driving, bring your own food, and motels)  but they created these wonderful memories for DH and they had educational and life experience value.  You know how kids write everything in those school journal/exercises, well our kids have written about our family vacations.  It's always funny to me because in the moment, they are whining, and complaining, and I think never again and don't you (kids) realize this is a luxury to go on any type of vacation.  then of course after the fact, they talk to grandma and grandpa about how much fun it was, they write in school journals about the highlights, they like to look thru the pictures etc.

I did also want to mention the commute thing.  You both need to strongly agree if you are going to move and have a further commute.  DH would be signing up for not seeing his kids as much, perhaps not being able to go to all this early afternoon school events or picking up from soccer practice, or being able to eat dinner at 6:30pm.  You perhaps would be signing up for more child and house responsibilities.  I know I hate a long commute and being in traffic etc, so it really is not fair for someone else to decide/push me on what sacrifices I should make.  I have to truly believe the sacrifice is worth it or it can cause resentment and issues down the line.  If you both come to the same conclusion that the public school is not providing what you agreed was the best for your child then you both work together to come up with options.[/quote]

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