Reply to Is divorce ever NOT the answer?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I frequently think divorce is not the answer. If there are kids involved, every effort should be made to stay together for their sake.

However, if one partner is physically abusive that goes right out the window. Divorce IS the answer. You should leave and stay away. Child visitation should be supervised until he has undgone substantial amounts of counseling.

Sorry. I know it's hard. [/quote]

op here. I agree with this. I agree with you. In theory.

But I don't have proof of what has happened. Dh will deny it. He does not want a divorce at ALL. he thinks our problems are "not that bad" and that they are solvable. He used to say that I provoked him. After what happened recently, he has agreed to seek counseling and has been semi-proactive.

I am also scared. I am scared of what people will think of me if/when they find out. I am scared of what our friends will think, what my colleagues will think of me. I am scared of what he might do to keep the kids. he's good with them. If you asked my older one, I guarantee she will say she wants to be with her daddy all the time. he will fight for custody. without proof of abuse, i fell certain he will get it. and then i'll be worried about how he is with them (again, no abuse there, just rougher than i think he should be).

Honestly, I am trying to convince myself that its ok to stay. I am appreciating the honest feedback from everyone. Its just not that easy to walk out and start over. I wish it was. If I could make him leave and keep the kids here (to keep them in their safe place), I would do it in a heartbeat. If he agreed to divorce, or even to a separation, there would be no issue. The issue is that he will fight it. And he can fight.[/quote]

OP, your posts are alarming to me for a number of reasons.

The first is that if your husband thinks your problems are "not that bad" and that you provoke him, what sort of solution does he imagine? That you will just "stop provoking him" or something? If he does not want to divorce, he needs to get his ass in therapy, go to couples counseling with you and demonstrate a real commitment to SOLVING the problems that (at least from your side) seem to be created by him.

The second is that your posts make it sound like you are afraid to try to leave him because your parents, your friends and your children will take his side. This is where a lawyer and a domestic violence counselor can help you.  If you truly believe that your husband's anger issues can be resolved through counseling, then by all means, go to counseling. I am just skeptical that a person who blames their anger on you, who says they will seek counseling and does not, etc. will actually change their behavior. [/quote]

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