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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Thanks so much for the *constructive* posts!  I truly appreciate your insights more than you know.  Its been years, and I am all out of ideas.

He has tried counseling, but is quite charming, so is not successful in counseling.  He can easily convince others of a stream of stories - many against me!  If I didn't see it for myself, I would think I was paranoid :(  But believe me, its bad.

I have sought help myself, and they eventually tell me to leave him.  Maybe when the kids are older, I'm just not there yet.  I fully realize that one of DCUMs *favorite* responses is "get divorced!" so it was hard for me to ask for help here.  I try to own my stuff so I can move forward.  DH refuses to own his stuff.

Honestly, I really feel like I need some tools to deal with him so I don't end up like his bitter, hostile mother.  She is a wolf in sheeps clothing.

For the most part, I avoid couple gatherings with him and seeing his family with him.

He was emotionally abused by his family, so his acting out is sneaky and tiresome.  Like his family was to him (he felt he had no escape until much older). It is always projected at me.  For a long time, I was hoping he would "learn" how to treat me from my example of being supportive and positive, but he just refuses.  Its not in his line of sight.

Its most difficult because I have had to figure all of this out myself.  I came from a really positive, warm relationship (a couple years before I met DH - a few years long).  I naively thought everyone was considerate and well meaning.  I seemed to have corned the market with inconsiderate, spiteful, nasty, bitter cads in his family, unfortunately.

I guess part of me is hoping that he will realize the truth when his mother dies (she's very old).  I know this sounds outrageous.

There are reasons I am with him, they just become less and less easy to see at certain times of year. I used to look forward to holidays.

OP, I am not one to jump on the "get divorced" bandwagon, but what you describe is beyond sad. Are you willing to burn away your years with this guy?

A couple of things:

1. He has had counseling and charmed his way out of it. But have you had couples counseling together? A very experienced couples counselor might be able to see past his charm and his lies about you -- don't dismiss it as "a stream of stories against me," it's lies -- and might be able to get him to recognize the pattern he's acing out.

2. Whatever you decide, your children are learning, learning, learning every day from dad's behaviors. Do you really want that to continue?

3. If you fear ending up like his mom, it means you see that it's a possibility - you see that you are on a road to being bitter like she is. Don't be his mom. Don't let your husband sour your personality. You said you need tools to deal with him -- therapy can give you those tools. Get some for yourself, alone, but also see if couples counseling can finally get past his charm and lies -- IF you want to remain married.

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