Reply to Recovering from Betrayal and Deception

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I can definitely relate.

My husband and I agreed there would be no smoking period in our relationship and marriage. I have been through a lot as a child with family, cancer etc, and am avidly against ALL smoking. He stopped when we were dating. Two years into our marriage I found out he had been smoking blunts? and probably weed too, though he did not admit to that. I had found lighters in his pockets, etc and he always said it was a friend's etc. Then one day I found an actual cigar in his car and he finally fessed up that he had been doing it periodically like once a week or so on his breaks with coworkers. It hurt. I cried. I felt anger and betrayal for days. I know a lot of people think this is silly, but what is okay for your relationship is not the same for everyone else. This was a deep betrayal for me, and to know he had been lying for so long, and at peace with it turned my world upside down. It took several talks over weeks for it to truly be resolved. He quit, we are now 5 years past that incident and I feel 100% confident he has stopped.

I think you need to talk to your husband, as long as it takes. For me it was several hours, for several days and weeks. Yes it was a long time, but that's how long it took me to get over it, that's how long it took for me to feel like I was understood, and how long until I thought he fully understood what it did to me and how we could reestablish trust.

Your husband screwed up, now it's time he sat and listened to what you have to say and how you feel, until you feel comfortable with your marriage and the trust you thought you had. If he cares he will be patient, and honest. Knowing how long, why, when, with who, and everything else helped me get over it because I finally felt I knew the situation from all ends and could move forward.[/quote]

Seriously? All this self-inflicted mental anguish and pain because he liked to enjoy a cigar every now and then with friends?

Stop trying to control everything your husbands do. Yes, cancer is awful and so is the disgusting daily habit of smoking. But enjoying a smoke OCCASIONALLY is completely harmless. So long as it's kept to an occasional vice, stop haranguing him to death about it. You're only a driving a wedge between you and him.[/quote]

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