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[quote=Anonymous]Let go of college.

Your son's problems appear to be of long standing, but coming to a head this year. If alcoholism and poor self-control are issues, then college is truly the least of your worries.

Perhaps you can persuade him to go to a reputable psychologist. My 20 year old nephew had similar problems and finally accepted psychiatric and psychological help (little more serious - attempted suicide, dropped out of college, screamed at his parents and threw out his mother's stuff, etc). He has medical appointments with and without his father, whom he has a stable relationship with.

Your son could have ADHD, or another disorder, that creates anxiety with his academic performance and thus attempts at self-medication with alcohol and smoking.
My son has ADHD and is anxious and impulsive. Also very charming! People with ADHD abuse drugs more often than people without ADHD.

It could be something else entirely.

But whatever the causes of his behavior, know that it is exacerbated by parental pressure.

So here are the new rules, and make sure that your DH toes the line:
1, Don't pressure him with college.
2, Give him a SMALL monthly stipend - this is great, because it teaches independance in baby steps, and he won't feel so resentful that you are cutting off money just because he refuses to further his academic education. It will teach him to budget, and not expect anything extra out of you.
DO NOT GIVE HIM MORE MONEY THAN THE STIPEND!
3, Free advice and sympathy if he asks for it.
4, Your love, always.
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