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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We struggled with the exact same thing. When you say The Self Driven Child wasn’t helpful, is it because you backed off and your child went ahead and floundered and failed? That, essentially, is the price and the process. You keep offering support, EF coaches, and restrict distractions like screen time, but you don’t use your own motivation to replace theirs. That’s the idea, anyway.

We did essentially follow that guidance. Smart kid with dyslexia and ADHD who simply would not do all the things he’d have to do to get good grades. Refused to go to office hours, retake tests, organize his papers, or do the bare minimum to get grown ups off his back. He graduated with a 3.0, and off he went to college.

Where…he has done really well. He almost failed one class his first semester, which would have meant losing his spot on his sports team. So he asked for help, found out for the first time that “studying” means hours, not minutes, for each exam, and he pulled himself out of the ditch. He now has a better GPA than he did in high school and he is so much happier. He isn’t going to win any academic awards or go to medical school, probably, but I really do think he’s finally got (most) of his stuff together. He had to do it on his time, and give me heartache while he did.

I know other parents of similar kids who did much more scaffolding and forcing work (you can’t force motivation, only compliance). Their kids absolutely got better grades than mine did, without question. They also seem to have made it through their Freshman years intact. But I didn’t fight with my kid, or have power struggles, or have to figure out incentives and punishments. It was a relatively happy high school experience, and after a really rough middle school experience I am grateful for that.

Good luck. These kids are not easy to parent![/quote]

Thank you. This gets to the heart of what I'm trying to figure out. It's been a while since I read Self-Driven Child but I felt like aside from a chapter on neurodivergence, it seemed more relevant to neurotypical kids. Part of the challenge we're facing on the academic side is that there are no real consequences for my son. For example, the school allows him to retake most (but not all) exams. He does seem to care a little bit about his grades and he takes the initiative to ask for retakes. I had been hoping that he would see more direct consequences in middle school from poor/no study habits but that hasn't been the case yet. I also think the school's expectations for written work are painfully low. But that's a topic for another discussion.    [/quote]

I think your impulse/motivation/headspace is the right one, but the timeline is off. All of this is just going to come later. Maybe a lot later, and you have to find a way to be okay with that. It may not kick in in time to get him to the kind of college that you had envisioned for him when he was a smart and curious 7 year old. But those smarts and curiosity are still there, and they’ll get him to a college, or a job, and he’ll keep maturing while there. He’ll keep maturing through his 20’s!

It’s sloooooooooow.[/quote]

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