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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Were a lot of parents super emotionally available in older generations? Love my parents, but they were/are not that way. I think the healthiest thing to do is just to use that as a "what not to do with my own kids" manual and just accept them as they are, shortcomings and all. Do I have a little bitterness at times? Sure. Bringing it up would not change anything because as you say the response (in my parents' case) would be for them to be very hurt, but they can't go back and do it all better than they did.[/quote]

OP here, in my own case, the confrontation already happened and the parents are doubling down on attack, they are denying everything, and is speaking in a way that prop themselves up, pretend they were perfect parents.  When confronted with more concrete things that are harder to deny, such as alcoholism (he is life-long alcoholic), or other specific examples, they went into full blown attack mode.  Honestly, if they just acknowledge just a little bit of the truth, I would be willing to forgive.  [/quote]

OP, are you a parent yourself?  I ask because when I was an adult in my 20s and early 30s before I had kids, I felt certain ways about how my mother raised me, including being too critical and too emotionally unavailable, and too controlling when I was a teen in some ways, and not controlling enough- not enough support or guidance or setting boundaries- in some other ways.

However since having my own children, my thoughts have shifted entirely.  Some of what I used to feel so angry about, I now realize that she was trying her best and doing what she thought was correct for me, and I am not angry anymore.  However, interestingly, some other things I feel even more strongly about, and I realize how easy it is to show your kids love and how putting down your own hobby and engaging with your child when they ask you to is a choice you make, and I have a hard time forgiving her for other things she did while raising me that maybe didn't even bother me before.

All this being said, I dont' bring any of it up with her, because what is the point.  My childhood is over.  She can't change it.  Maybe I'm more emotionally distant than I would have been if I'd addressed this with her and worked it out in family therapy or whatever but I dont have time for that, I dont care enough, and I doubt shed be open to it, being the rather cold Austrian woman that she is.  It's fine, she's fine, I'm fine, we get along fine even if i'm not eager to go out to lunch with her all the time or go shopping with her all the time or do things other adult women seem to enjoy doing with their mothers.  Sometimes you just have to move on and realize life isnt perfect and people aren't perfect.  [/quote]

Thank you for the long reply, I appreciate it.  Yes I have kids.  And yes, I understand how complex parenting is, and no parent is perfect, I am not hanging on to old memories from childhood.  But a specific instant prompted the confrontation, and they showed no humanity and went full blown attack, showed a side of them I didn't know existed.  Would you mother abandon you (physically and emotionally, go no contact immediately) as soon as you shared your hurt feelings with her?  No even wanting to "talk about it" or anything, just a switch of a button, go from one minute ago "oh, I love you so much, it's such a treat that you are visiting, we missed you so dearly" (yes, she is very verbal about her love like this), to one minute later "fine, bye, we don't know you anymore".  [/quote]

No, because my cold Austrian mother would never show any emotion like that one way or another.  She can sort of play-act at being loving, with her friends, or with neighbors, for short periods around them. but when it comes down to it, she just doesn't have it in her.  Or she does, but it's an effort for her to show it, so she just doesn't.    Friends and neighbors comment on how lovely and pleasant and nice she is, and she is on the surface, but then once the audience is gone, she is just a pretty unemotional person who wants things the way she wants them and has a sort of script to how she thinks the day is going to go, like a school teacher, and she carries out that script without much emotion or without much back and forth discussion, again sort of like a school teacher.  Outwardly pleasant, but never going to budge from the plan and not going to respond emotionally to anything, good or bad, that her child throws at her that day.  A lot of "I'm sorry to hear you feel that way". or "well this is the plan for dinner and that's that" or "you sound angry but this is how we are going to spend the day" and so on.  Truly, like a teacher with her class of students- detached, keeping things moving, never cruel but also never particularly loving. I'm not sure she ever yelled.  She also never cried, or laughed joyfully with us, or even told us that she loved us. I'm sure she did love us, but I don't think it was in her nature to ever say it out loud.

She was like that as a parent and she continues to be like that as a grandparent.

But again- I take this info and I raise my own kids differently, and I don't see the point in rehashing any of this with my mom.  She is who she is.  My kids don't spend much time with her because she isn't really interested.  And that's fine. Probably better![/quote]

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