Reply to What do I do if I suspect domestic abuse?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Oh!! I recognize this!

Here’s the deal:

1. People have a “type”. People prone to choosing abusive partners don’t suddenly seek out healthy relationships when looking for someone with whom to have an emotional relationship. She is wired to choose coercive, controlling men, probably without realizing it.

2. Her marriage didn’t start this way. Her husband was likely her white knight who rescued her from her previous controlling relationship, which had started with that partner rescuing her from the previous relationship, etc etc. She experiences a dopamine release from being “saved”.

3. You were supposed to be the white knight who rescued her from this relationship. You have played your role well: rescue, build trust, become controlling yourself.

4. You are a controlling person. Your dopamine comes from people being wholly dependent upon you. You want her to leave her husband for any number of reasons, ranging from for her own safety (because you see yourself as rescuer, because that gives you emotional control) to possessiveness (you want her for yourself so you can control her). But you are not taking any affirmative steps not have you indicated a desire to make yourself equally available to her. This is a power imbalance that you needed to develop in order to have control over her.

5. I would be willing to bet that she didn’t spontaneously lie to you about these legal proceedings. You likely badgered her into lying. Perhaps by withholding your support or affection until she took affirmative steps to leave him. She craves that connection with you, but reality dictates she cannot perform whatever actions you are demanding so she lied to get the dopamine hit.

6. Now, she is trying to reach out to get that hit, and you are denying her (again, likely control). So her life is a mess right now, because she’s being abused by both her husband and by you. So she is/will likely look for a third man to save her from both of you.

Therefore what needs to happen is you both need to completely sever ties. No third party communication, no cryptic social media, block her and her husband. No closure, no goodbye. As of right now, you two are dead to each other. If this pushes her to rock bottom, it might be what she needs to break the cycle.

Tell your wife, and/or figure out what to do with your marriage. Do this before someone else tells your wife (likely the other woman, in a desperate attempt for the dopamine hit because one of the facets of her husband’s control is that you are not available, and triggering a break up of your marriage may have undesirable outcomes from his perspective).

I am willing to bet your wife initially needed rescuing, but as she matured, she became more confident and independent and less controllable, which is why your marriage has fallen off: you feast on vulnerable women.

You should go to therapy to identify and fix why you do this.

But I doubt you will do any of this. Why? Because you see yourself as the savior. You post takes zero accountability for many relationships you have ruined. Instead you come to this discussion with a question about how you can “save” this other woman from a situation that you (albeit unconsciously) have played a major role in creating. You want to continue to be the rescuer so that you can maintain control over this woman.[/quote]

OP here. You should write novels, but you’re very far off after number three. Sometimes people actually care about other people, even if they know they’re not gonna be with them and no, I will not take any affirmative steps, I don’t want to have any control over her.

I know I’ve got responsibility in this, and I just am guilt ridden because I’ve given her abuser an excuse to abuse more. I would’ve never known, had she not had lunch with a mutual friend where apparently she asked all about me, and our friend being smart refused to give any detail. [/quote]

As I said: You'll have to deal with your guilt about participating in this mess on your own instead of trying to absolve yourself by "saving" her.

You may have to make a "living amends" and pay it forward, donate money to a domestic violence shelter, volunteer at a legal clinic, etc. You're not truly staying involved with this person to help her, you're staying involved to try to erase your guilt because you know you're partially responsible for the mess she's in. And you are, that's 100% correct. But for your involvement, things might've gone differently for her. You'll never know now. But what you already know, and what everyone sane on this thread can also see and has already pointed out to you, is that staying involved in this situation doesn't end well for anyone involved, perhaps especially her.

Go to therapy, unpack your guilt, put something good out into the world without strings or expectations, and be MUCH more careful who you have EAs/affairs with in the future, should you choose to repeat this risk.[/quote]

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