Reply to Oprah podcast on estranged families

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I wrote upthread. I don't care how my childhood was anymore. I'm almost 60. What I DO care about is how I'm treated now. And it's still abusive and cruel. She uses triangulation and other narcissistic moves if she doesn't get her way. I'm done. She'll never change.
Modeling stepping away from this bullcrap is imperative for my kids to see, because she'll do it to them as well.

[/quote]
I agree with this.  I don't think people who can have okay relationships with their parents as adults are becoming estranged because of things that happened in their childhood.  I'm estranged from my parents and if you asked my mom the reason I'm sure she'd cite something from when I was little.  But the real reason is how she treats me now.  She just can't manage not to be unkind.  I have tried so many versions of boundaries over many years and none have been enough.  I blamed myself for a long time, only to reflect and realize that she makes friends but can't keep them.  Neither of my parents have a single relationship in their lives that last longer than about a year (except with each other, but that is a terribly dysfunctional relationship and they hate each other).  My mother manages to blow up any relationship in about that time unless there's barely any contact.  My three siblings all describe our childhoods as traumatic and they have all chosen not to have kids. [/quote]

I do think sometimes the only way to escape abuse or to heal is to go no contact. Some personalities are harder to set boundaries with than others.

I have found that by living far from my parents, estrangement is not necessary because the physical distance makes it much easier for me to set boundaries. The one time that has not been true was when I was pregnant. Somehow the distance wasn't enough during that time. So I do get it.

For me maintaining some contact is easier because there is less drama. My sister is no contact and while I respect her choice, there is a lot of drama around it. I think in her case it is heightening everyone's feelings and actually leading to my parents behaving worse because they feel injured and defensive. I have found that by just throwing them a bone periodically, my parents mostly stay on their best behavior with me and I can handle phone calls and occasionally visits without it becoming a problem.

I've also found that the key for me is learning how to set a boundary in the moment without making it into a huge deal. My parents will try to broach a subject with me that I don't want to talk about or draw me into a drama with them (for instance they often try to drag me into this thing with my sister). I've learned to gently but firmly explain I don't want to be involved, change the subject, and if they persist, I will hang up or leave the room to end the conversation. Doing this just a few times has taught them to stop doing it. This is also how I got my mom to stop trying to turn me into her therapist and come to me with her sad tales of woe so that I will comfort her and make her feel better. That was a really toxic dynamic that had been happening since I was a kid and putting a stop to that really changed things for the better. It was really just about holding strong and reminding myself that I am not responsible for her mental well being, that she is an adult AND the parent and it is her job to figure that out, not to rely on me to make things better. That's the single best thing I've done.[/quote]

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