Reply to SNL nails what Christmas is like for moms

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is not my experience as a mom, but it was definitely my mom's experience.

I do think part of it for my mom, though, was that she made an increasingly big deal about Christmas every year, which only increased her disappointment when my dad (who is a narcissist) and her kids (who didn't get the situation) didn't return the favor by making it a big deal for her. It was a passive aggressive move that set her up for disappointment while also slowly making the rest of us dislike Christmas.

As a parent myself, we try to keep Christmas chill. It's about relaxing and spending time together. We do gifts but the goal is just to buy things we know people will enjoy, not to get the most epic gift ever. DH and I both involve our kid in buying gifts for the other parent, so it's equal.

Don't go overboard buying gifts for your family and making Christmas "magic" with the secret hope they will do the same for you. Christmas is not a hallmark movie. And no one is forcing you to be a martyr.[/quote]

Way to victim blame.  Your dad was a dick in this scenario. [/quote]

My dad was definitely a dick. But my mom's approach only made it worse. She needed to get realistic about the fact that the man she married was never going to look around on Christmas and think "wow, my wife put so much effort into this and was so thoughtful, I will spend some time thinking about what SHE would like and get the kids involved and we wills shower her with gifts on Christmas morning." It's what she wanted to happen, it wasn't going to happen, so every year she just set herself up for a bigger and bigger disappointment by going bigger and bigger with the holiday. And then when the disappointment inevitably came, she'd spend Christmas Day angrily picking up wrapping paper and refusing to speak to anyone while my dad continued to ignore her and us and would watch football or go read a magazine. The result was a lot of miserable memories for their kids.

I blame them both.[/quote]

Agreed. Both are to blame.

I'm a mom and 99% of my effort is making Christmas magical for my kids. I don't expect DH to thank me for it or think about my effort. I want the kids to grow up thinking Christmas was the most magical day of the year. All these moms whining about what their spouses did or didn't get them gets old.[/quote]

Why wouldn’t you expect your DH to thank you or consider your effort? That’s sad. [/quote]

DP. I think what she's saying is that she doesn't do it FOR the thanks from her DH. My DH does thank me for the effort I put into holidays, but I don't put in extra effort in order to get praise from him. I just do what I enjoy doing and what feels good to me.

Given that a lot of men do NOT thank their wives for their efforts, or make much of their own effort, it's just smart for women to only do as much of this stuff as they actually enjoy. Sometimes women get this idea that it's all compulsory, and they drag themselves through activities and traditions that are actually quite burdensome and miserable, and then if their spouse or kids aren't even grateful, there's huge resentment. You can short circuit that entire loop by just not over extending yourself or doing things you hate with the expectation that doing it will get you some prize for Mom of the Year.

For instance, I will never: do Elf on the Shelf, travel to visit family on Christmas Day, do matching pajamas, host a cookie exchange party, do Christmas cards with family photos. I have no problem with other families doing these things, but I find them burdensome and the rest of my family doesn't care, and I don't want to sit around stewing about how I "had" to organize a photo shoot and Christmas cards and no one thanked me for it. So I just skip it.[/quote]

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