Reply to Feeling like I'm the spouse who is always "on" and keeping things in order

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I am married to someone like this. We’re actually divorcing, because he perceives me as a mean nag and worse words that I won’t put here. Ironically he is finding the divorce process to be a huge struggle (not unlike some of the wild posts on some of the other boards lately) because he’s expected to actually take care of his own stuff without me noticing it for him.

I brought a lot of assumptions into our marriage because I was raised in a family of blue collar-turned-UMC doers. You didn’t sit down until the very end of the day and then you did with a sense that you had taken care of things or had a good plan for the next day. Light bulbs got replaced, drains unclogged, pants hemmed, socks matched, oil changed, floors mopped, etc without it being a huge fuss- everyone just did the things that needed to get done. I assumed that’s how adults worked. DH and I met in grad school and then he had a travel-intensive job early in our relationship, so that hid a lot of his lack of ability because life was so structured and then he just wasn’t around and/or had hotels/dry cleaners/restaurants doing everything for him.

My takeaway is that everyone should go for a really long camping trip with their intended spouse before things get too far along. Find a situation where they can’t hide their disinterest or inability to do things. [/quote]

I relate to this a lot, specifically the very different expectations in our families of origin. When I met DH, he was living alone and while his house wasn't spotless, it wasn't awful. He was also a good cook and maintained a really organized kitchen and this communicated someone who was on top of things to me.

I only learned later how different our upbringings were. He and his brother never had chores and there was just not an ethos of people collectively taking care of the home or their lives. DH did learn some of this in college from peers but it wasn't part of his original education about the world and that's just become more and more apparent as time goes on.

The thing is, it's not that his parents were doing it all for him either. What I've discovered is that his family just let a lot of things go. Stuff would break or wear out and they'd talk about it as bad luck or "oh that brand of appliance is crap" but now I understand -- they just often don't clean things or do maintenance. They don't ever clean out their fridge, they don't sort through laundry and get rid of things with holes or that don't fit anymore. They don't throw things away but also don't fix things or take care of things. I didn't get this because my dad is a bit of a hoarder so I just though this parents were kind of like that too and I didn't really see through the mess to what was underneath, which was just neglect.

My DH has shown more willingness than yours to learning how to maintain a home and a household. Like I said, he picked some things up in college and he took it upon himself to become a good cook and learn how to grocery shop, maintain a kitchen, clean a kitchen properly. It makes a big difference. But it's all adult learning.

Also has his parents have aged I've discovered how hard it is to help elderly people who don't understand how to do maintenance and prevent problems. We've helped them hire people who clean their house and come do regular checks on systems and handyman work, and that helps. But it's so different from my parents, who even as they've aged and can't do all that stuff themselves, understand what needs to be done. Also my parents home was in good shape from years of good maintenance, whereas my ILs have all these major issues that constantly need to be dealt with (especially with their basement and their heating system, both of which should have been addressed years ago). It's so much more work. It has really made me realize what happens when you get behind on some of this.[/quote]

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