Reply to Picked DH Up From DCA- Boys Weekend

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It’s sad but it also doesn’t surprise me.

I would be concerned about your DH because your own character can start to resemble those you hang around.  I know this first hand — immediately after my divorce, I was surrounded by other men who encouraged me to sleep with as many women as possible.  They were all living vicariously through me.  This time period in my life was very confusing when I look back on it now.   It fueled a lot of unhealthy personal behaviors and I ended up emotionally hurting a lot of women too.  While I was ultimately responsible for my own actions, having these men laugh, joke, and externally validate me through talking crudely about what I was doing was definitely part of the problem.

Fast-forward to now — after having an extremely unexpected born-again experience in my early 40s — I now find myself surrounded by true friends, men and women at my church who are virtuous and have strong character.   They aren’t perfect — none of us are — but these are the type of people who bring out the best in me.  They do the right thing more times than not.   They encourage strong character and help hold me accountable when I need that too.   It’s a world of difference.   I also work closely with with an executive coach who actively encourages me to be a better person and wants me to have strong character instead of like most shrinks who just tell you that whatever feeling or impulse you have should be acted upon.

I would never want to go back to hanging out with the first group now.   I look back on it with some true level of horror.   I hope that your DH finds a better set of friends who truly respect women, for his own sake.  [/quote]

I mean, guy who is into this scene of cheating and horrible ethics, and then ends up doubled down on religion. That completely tracks. The truly good guys are neither in the cheater nor religious groups. Guys who end up deeply religious have some serious failings from which they need to be saved. [/quote]

I am the person who posted this.

I am humble enough now to say that, yes, I did have personal failings and needed to change.

But the same is true of all of us — it is just a matter of degree.   All of us have done things in life we are ashamed of.  All of us have hurt other people.   If you don’t believe that about yourself, then you are blinded by pride and self-righteousness and not being honest with yourself.   It is sense of moral superiority that blinds many.

Most people who have been changed by religion — and I count myself in this category — we are not talking about a temporary reprieve from some behavior.   And we are not talking about remorse or self pity.   We are talking about a completely transformed heart.  It’s a deep level of personal change and growth that I thought was impossible.

And if people aren’t interested in personal growth and change — why do so many people in big cities like the DMV go to therapy and wrap everything up in therapy-speak?   I did the same thing for many years.   Sat on some couch in an office for years and years and thought I was “working things out” or “finding my true self” or even “changing and growing.”   I changed and grew more in one year of taking religion seriously than 15 years and many thousand of dollars of secular therapy.

Anyway, I go to a church with many people who have similar backgrounds and stories and I have no problem counting amongst my closest friends people who have overcome real challenges in their lives and are now much better people on the other side.  [/quote]

This is lovely to hear-folks actively working on being better humans, finding healthy connections, and feeling fulfilled. Thank you for sharing and congrats on that journey![/quote]

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