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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
1. You can't change who he is.

2. You can control who comes into your house and when.

3. So you tell him: "Going forward, we cannot welcome you like we've done in the past. This year you cannot come at all. Next year, we'll re-evaluate."

4. If he asks why, you say: "You've been treating our home like a free vacation and made lots of demands, which are very burdensome for us. We are very stressed right now with work and health issues and cannot deal with someone who takes all the times and doesn't even try to support us."

5. Point is: this is a person who cannot understand subtlety. Someone needs to be crystal clear with him. [/quote]

Holy Cow[/quote]

The above may be accurate but is over the top rude.  Just say--"Unfortunately we can not accomodate your visit this year--as you know we've had health and employment difficulties.  We will reach out to see when we can host you at a better time."[/quote]

Filial respect has its limits, PP. The limit is when you realize you're just making it worse for yourself.

I have had to be crystal clear with my parents. You think it's rude, but it's EFFECTIVE. Some people don't understand diplomacy. Not addressing the actual problem is worse, because it makes them persevere in their ways while you try to politely defend yourself and get even more resentful as the years go by. But if you tell the truth, and clear the air, yes, they get mad, but that's temporary (and if it's permanent, that's their problem, not yours). The goal of being painfully truthful is to address the issue once and for all and move on as a more functional family.

Diplomacy and grey rocking works for a specific group of people who thrive on drama and take joy in needling people, which is not what FIL seems to be.
He just needs a good talking to, and when he's invited back, a reminder of what the rules are.

I come from an East Asian culture, where elders are supposed to be treated with kid gloves. Sorry, but there comes a point when you need to speak up. This is the crux of many an Asian drama :-)

[/quote]

I see what you mean. I think it’s easy to be rude on the internet but in front of FIL, it’s more difficult. First off it’s not my dad. Second, my husband really feels that FIL is his burden to handle. It’s frustrating. A lot of his antics occur after a day of listening to him blabber nonstop while trying to make the kids happy. We are tired and not in the mood for a fight with a jerk who will absolutely cry when confronted.  My husband will likely never say anything to my father in law only because it’s easier to endure his visit and then pretend he doesn’t exist for the rest of the year. His extended family think FIL is weird too btw.

I’m personally done. I know my husband loves the idea of my kids have a grandfather (my dad is dead) but the reality is they don’t like him at all. And neither do I. [/quote]

Then your first step is to tell the painful truth to your husband: you are done. You don't want FIL in your house anymore. He can go visit his father, with or without the kids, on his own time. [/quote]

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