Reply to At what point do you distance yourself from an old friend?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]I don't "slow fade" friends because it's not friendly.[/b] I confront the people I care about because everybody screws up sometimes. Reminding people where the boundaries are, once, is an act of love and respect.

Get real clear on what you want, use "I statements" and talk about what you need from the friendship. If you friend isn't in a place where they can care about other people, and you're not in a place to be patient with them through that, well, you'll need to distance yourself. But be direct about it.

"Sarah (with an h), it's hard for me to accomplish what I plan to do when you flake at the last minute. I would appreciate more notice if/when your schedule changes so I can restructure my time." "Stacey (with an e), are you available to help me with the bake sale next week? No? While I understand that you're busy, it hurts my feelings to not have your support (if you want to be petty, drop the "especially when I volunteered at little stevie's bake sale, and the truck touch, and donated a gift for the raffle..." but that's petty).

If this is a friend you should be able to talk about what's going on with you. If this is just someone you hatefollow and lurk on to judge, consider why because you're part of the drama you're complaining about. [/quote]

I hear you, but also, what OP's "friend" is doing isn't friendly either.

I do have a close friend who is always late. To everything. One time I was getting ready with her for my bridal shower and she was running late even though I mentioned many, many times when we had to leave. I finally told her I was leaving without her, and now that's what I do. I won't be late because of her, and I honestly don't care if she's offended. When we go on trips together with our other friends we will eat without her or leave for activities without her. So basically we've stopped accommodating her. I don't know if that would work, OP, like making plans with more than just this friend so that if she cancels on you at least you can still have dinner with others. That's how I handle people who cancel at the last minute. That or I just stop making plans with them. It's rude to do it over and over again so at a certain point you just have to decide what you're willing to tolerate and stick to that. [/quote]

It’s not just being late, there’s lots of other stuff including being really selfish and high drama. I am starting to think she has some histrionic/NPD traits - yes, I’m diagnosing a little but it runs in her family. [/quote]

Ok, so to address your specific examples:

[i]She is constantly a hot mess[/i] - don't put her in charge of things and don't do things with her if her hot messness is going to impact it (i.e. if she's an embarrassment at dinner because she's drunk and unkempt looking then don't eat out with her, if she is one of those people constantly on her phone and talking then don't go to the movies with her, etc.)

[i]everything is a huge crisis that she needs to drag everyone into and be a victim of[/i] - don't respond and don't get involved, ignore the texts with the ranting and raving and if she discusses it in real life either offer dismissive "hmmms" or excuse yourself to go to the bathroom or change the subject or leave

[i]she is flakey with plans with me and all of our friends[/i] - don't make plans with her that will change if she cancels, so you all go out to dinner and she either shows up or doesn't, don't do stuff one-on-one unless you'd be happy to have the time to do something else

[i]she asks for favors over and over while always finding an excuse not to return them[/i] - stop doing favors for her, no is a complete sentence

I can't figure out if you're too much of a doormat or not. Maybe I'm just good at filtering out people like this, but I don't tolerate this kind of behavior in friends. I really just won't spend time with people like that or give them any of my energy. Block her number or mute the notifications from her texts and deal with her when you can/want to. Don't make plans with her unless you're in the right head space for it. Stop doing things for her if you need something in return (you seem bothered by the fact that she doesn't return your favors so just don't do them). I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just trying to figure out why you are having a hard time figuring this out. Are you a people pleaser? I am, but I also won't waste my time on foolishness like this. Life is too short and I'm too busy for that kind of BS. Do you have a good relationship with your mom? I don't but it actually helped me set boundaries instead of letting people walk all over/abuse me. Do you work? If so are you successful there? Do you have a lot of friendships that are good?[/quote]

Huh? Lots of weird assumptions here. Doing what you suggest would essentially end the friendship, so that was the original post. Most people give old friends some room to be imperfect for awhile, the question is when enough is enough. [/quote]

What assumptions were made? You asked the question HOW WOULD YOU HANDLE and people have responded. Enough is enough when you've had enough. Do you not have many friendships?[/quote]

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