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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Be very careful with this. With a man like this he can be highly manipulative and could turn it around so he gets her to not want to be with YOU, or he claims parental alienation if you attempt to influence her to not be with him. The die is cast, he is already her father. IMO it is sometimes best to support her as she gradually figures things out for herself about who her dad is.[/quote]

Thanks. I’m being crazy cautious and even as I work through how this split will work, I’m being obsessive about making sure that he is offered more than equal time to be with her, to be in the house, take her to activities, etc. And at the same time she’s saying stuff to me that she’s afraid of how he’ll act this time or that she is dreading him driving her to practice or whatever. I probably need specific legal guidance but I worry that even validating her fears could be used against me as alienation ammo. And at the same time, I’m legit afraid for her to be with him if I’m not there, because he is moody and angry and unpredictable.[/quote]

Ugh, im so ssorry. Getting into the nitty gritty, what is his schedule, how often is he home, what is your version of protecting her? I do think it's big that if you're still married, if he's being that way you can up and take her shopping and he can't do anything, if you're divorced she has no choice but to sit with him and take the abuse.

My dad was like that and my mom would take me to sit at Burger King for hours to get away from him. They divorced and nothing is as great as the peace we felt in our home alone, but that was in the days where the primary parent got custody and I only had to see him a few hours on the weekends where he generally took me to a movie and to see his parents so the only bad time was in the car alone. Living with him 50% of the time would have been torture.[/quote]

Re: his schedule- he travels erratically for work. Some months it will be two international trips that span sat/sun through Friday. Some months it will be 2-3 shorter trips that go Mon-Thurs or Tues-Fri. His office hours start as early as 6 am or go as late as 7 pm depending on the day and which teams in which time zone he’s talking to.

In other words, his schedule is very erratic and inflexible and I worry that even in divorce I’d be forced to flex around him to keep my DD’s life stable.[/quote]

I had a similar situation post divorce. If you are doing right by your child, you’d accommodate his schedule anyway, even if it is unfair to you. His work is just as supportive for her livelihood as yours is. Be the bigger person, it is a payoff for your child and often the court sees that and asjusts time accordingly. Also, 50/50 over a calendar year can look very different for different families.

The question you need to look through the lens of with all decisions is, “what is in the best interest (as defined by the state) of the child”? If it is in her best interest to be with one parent a little more during the school year, or to supplement child caregiving services, location, etc. Some people want 50/50, many are fine with 60/40 or 70/30. Custody time can always change. [/quote]

I hear what you're saying. But at the same time, in the absence of infinite alimony, which isn't a thing as far as I know, I would need to be able to return to a more intense job to support me and DD. DH's inflexible schedule is one reason I had to step back from my career- there aren't any jobs I know of that would be ok with arriving late and leaving early. I don't know how I could sustain a career that would keep me going through old age if I was still flexing around his erratic travel while doing everything at home.[/quote]

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