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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm a couples counselor. I see the couple together for the first session, then I see each person separately for one session so each has a chance to share their feelings and perspective without worrying about how the other will react. All sessions after that are together for the most part.

Things do tend to get worse for awhile before they get better, but not always. It depends on what's happening in the relationship. If couples are avoiding conflict or otherwise not being open with each other, then yes, talking about their problems makes things feel worse for awhile. But they learn how to listen to each other, how to share their feelings without being critical of the other person, and how to work through conflict, and then it gets better.
 
With other couples, if there isn't a lot of conflict or built up resentment, they are often able to work toward gradually getting closer without that difficult period first.

I hope that helps. Contact a couple of therapists via Psychology Today who are in your area and ask them about their process. They should offer a free consult call.[/quote]

Can I ask you a question? Is there away to tell if a couple should try couples therapy or a way to tell the relationship is beyond hope? If there are resentments can that be worked through? Basically when is too late? Or no hope? Hoping you can help answer. Thank you.[/quote]

I am not the PP, but I am a therapist also. I don't work with couples anymore, but I collaborate with a lot of couples therapists.

It is a very bad counselor that has the assumed goal of "stay together" for any couple that walks through the door. The therapy starts as assessing what's wrong and what the options are. Most of the therapists I work with do some form of discernment therapy process with every couple in the intake. There are a few things that make counseling an immediate bad idea - active abuse is the main one that I can think of, including active infidelity where the cheater is not willing to stop cheating. In general, a good couples counselor will observe when a relationship is not working/not progressing/not healing/however you think about it, but their job is to help the people in the relationship see that - not to fix it or change the dynamic.

I have worked with several couples in the past and even more individuals who start couples counseling with the assumed goal that they are trying to repair the relationship, only to discover within 3 sessions (1 together, 2 individual) that the goal is actually separation, not repair. It is literally impossible to figure out how to improve the situation until you decide between repair and separation because almost all of the options and emotional work are different.

I was trained in Gottman couples counseling. They have a lot of self-study tools as well as workshops and lists of providers who are Gottman-certified. I have only done level 1 because I do not actually work with couples anymore, but I use the tools all the time: https://www.gottman.com/

Hope this is helpful.[/quote]

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