Reply to Adoption Not working

Forum Index » Parenting -- Special Concerns

Reply to "Adoption Not working"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My parents adopted my sister at age 7 in the 70's. She had been neglected - her drug addicted mother left her home alone at age 4 to babysit 2 younger brothers ages 1&2. All three were with a foster family from age 4-7, then the family adopted the youngest boy and said they couldn't take my sister and the older boy.

She was "fine" until about age 12, which is also when my parents divorced. She never was able to trust and truly bond with anyone and basically did not have a conscience. She was a nightmare until age 15 - lying, stealing and very violent. I was a commuter college student and would hide the kitchen knives every night. Sometimes I came home and she had my mom pinned to the ground and wouldn't let her go.

My (divorced) parents sued the state adoption agency and won in court. The state had neuro testing done that showed issues but they never informed my parents. So they wasted 5 years not getting treatment.

The state was ordered to pay $30K per year for a special residential school (this was in early 80's). She was there for 3 years and they did "fix" her.

She married at 19 and they are still married. She became a vet tech and has been a socially responsible person.

Several other families in my parents local adoptive group also adopted older kids. Everyone dealt with the same issues. One kid tried to burn down their house, another tried to stab the mother. My sister's 2 brothers have been in prison for decades for drugs and other crimes.

I believe the term now is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Oprah did a show on these types of kids decades ago that I saw and I said - that's my sister!

Regular counseling is not going to help. You need to find local professionals who can steer you into solutions for RAD. It's probably going to involve institutional care. Hopefully you have funds to pay for it.[/quote]

Wow. I'm so glad your sister turned out OK. What on earth did they do to her at the residential program???[/quote]

Their methods are probably controversial now, but basically they start out with no privileges. They had to wear a certain color jumpsuit and just got the basics - bed, food, school, therapy. As they followed the rules, they earned freedom to choose their clothing, participate in fun activities, have possessions, etc. They proceeded through school at their own level and pace and were rewarded for doing their homework and advancing. Basically it was very controlled, rule oriented - kind of like boot camp. When a resident would get out of control, they would bear hug them until they calmed down. I'm not sure if this method is still recommended. By the third year, they were allowed outings and not "locked" in. If they ran away and were returned, they went back to step 1.
 
I think their theory was to take their brain back to infancy and redo building the ability to make attachments and have a conscience. She was on the girl's side. When I googled the school later, I learned it had been shut down due to some sexual & physical abuse by adults, mainly on the boys side. Talk about the final nail for boys who are already traumatized. My sister blossomed there. She's very outspoken and would have told me then and now if she experienced any abuse. We visited several times a year for parents days and it was amazing watching her mature and get along in a healthy way with her friends.

I'm not going to say my sister is a textbook example of a GREAT mother, but she was good. Her husband's method of discipline was what I grew up on - "if you don't stop crying, I'll bust your butt and give you something to cry about". Her husband has been a working electrician for 35 years, they own a mobile home and 10 acres and have a "zoo", including 2 horses, a really old tortoise who is attached to her (and will outlive us all), birds, dogs, cats - and more. She spends lots of time with her grandkids and is loving, but no nonsense. She is very much like her neighbors - not a lot of extra money, but a good weekend is going to a mud bog and having a BBQ while watching auto racing. She is a very loyal friend and does not put up with any BS from anyone.[/quote]

We still do that in the local jail.  A rewards-based incentive program.  Rewarding for consistently responsible and increasingly responsible behavior.  It works well when expectations are reasonable and clearly laid out, and consistently rewarded.  But it does work best in a confined system like a correctional institution.  I don't think it would work as well at someone's home for someone who is highly-impacted by mental health and behavioral health challenges.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics