Reply to Extreme anxiety and major depression

Forum Index » Eldercare

Reply to "Extreme anxiety and major depression"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]OP, I have been in your shoes, although my mother eventually did develop dementia.

My mother has been clinically depressed and profoundly anxiety ridden and deeply unhappy all of my life. She also always made it seem like it was other people's responsibility to deal with her, take care of her, that we somehow were the cause but also solution to the black hole of need.

I spent all of my childhood and intermittent times of adult life trying to make my depressed and deeply anxious mother better. She frequently put me in that role, especially once my dad left/couldn't take it anymore.

Finally, in therapy in my 50s, I have come to realize she has borderline personality disorder (waif complex), produced by her own childhood trauma. I know that she was fired by two therapists, who evidently claimed it was impossible to work with her. One of the strange realizations was that I told myself over and over again throughout my life that my mother "loved me so much" because she used to say it all the time ("if anything ever happened to you, I'd kill myself") but I could not recall a single time in which I felt nurtured by her.  when I thought about what it felt like to be "loved by her" it was  complex feeling of resentment, guilt, drowning, and desire for escape.

I am determined not to continue this cycle with my kids.  She is in memory care and I am her main caretaker outside of that. I visit her several times a week, I do what I can to make her world comfortable, to bring her things, to take her out, to spend time with her, but I also have to step back, emotionally. Her illness is neither my fault, nor my responsibility. I am responsible for her care and I believe she is getting the best that 10k/month can provide, but I am not responsible for her life, and I refuse to re-enter the black vortex of need. Even though she says horrible things to me now, (why are you doing this to me? you are so cruel, what has happened to you, I never did anything to you and you lock me up---all in response to why she cannot live with me and why I cannot move into her memory care) I have to let it go. I am very sad for her, I care for her, I bear her no ill will and I do love her, but I cannot save her, I never could, and you can't either.

Finally, to be practical: consult a geriatric psych. They changed my mom's meds. She is on buspar 3x/day and it definitely helps the anxiety, if not the depression. She is on fluoxetine and, now, risperdal for the dementia. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics