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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Agree with the recommendation of the Explosive Child. I read it selectively during this phase and it helped me a lot.

A specific script I would recommend is that when a big tantrum is happening and you feel those negative, shameful thoughts rising up, to see if you can train yourself to go in an adjacent room for a minute and just count backwards from 10. Or take a few deep breaths. Or punch a pillow. Whatever it takes to give you a little space to process.

THEN go back to your DD and see if you can approach her more calmly. It sounds like you know that your mental response of "you're a bad kid and I'm a bad mom" is both false and unproductive. But it's an emotional response that has likely been drilled into you since YOU were a 5 year old struggling with big feelings. If you can just give yourself a little bit of space to recognize "ok, that's not useful here" I bet you can access some additional patience and tolerance to just stay calm through the tantrum and help her co-regulate.

Also, something that helps both my DH and I a lot (and that I gleaned from the Explosive Child) is to learn to recognize what responses have an escalating effect on a meltdown. In our cases, responding with anger and blame always makes the meltdown worse, because then our kid felt the shame we are feeling and she hates that feeling and her emotional response gets even larger. So whatever you can do bring the temperature down is better. Like you can even say almost the exact same thing, but if you say it calmly and in a compassionate voice, it will work better. Think the difference between:

1) Yelling or raising your voice to say "you can't hit me! stop hitting me! this is not acceptable!"

versus

2) In a calm voice "I can see you are upset but I cannot let you hit me. If you can't stop hitting, I will need to leave the room for a moment until you can stop."

It's the same message, but the first one is going to make your kid's brain go nuts, and the second offers a path to resolution for both of you. The calmer version doesn't accept the bad behavior any more than the angry version. And the calmer version is more productive. You will get there.[/quote]

I completely agree with this but hitting a sibling is not okay. What's the way to deal with that in the moment too?[/quote]

PP here. I'm no expert but my response would be to either hold the child's hands to prevent the hitting and say "hitting is not okay, I cannot let you hit your sister" OR, if the child is really melting down and that's not possible, to remove the sibling while saying the same thing.

The key no matter what, for me, is that my response is calm and does not escalate the emotion of the moment, whether she is hitting me or the sibling.

I've read a ton on "co-regulation" and how one thing kids like this need is a model for what it looks like to stay calm even when you are upset or when something is happening that you don't like, so addressing sibling issues with calmness is especially useful because usually sibling conflicts (especially those with hitting) have occurred because a child is understandably upset about something the sibling is doing, but is handling it in the worst possible way. Like perhaps a younger sibling has taken a toy or knocked down a lego set, or an older sibling is refusing to share a snack that was given to both of them or is teasing or taunting. The child has an emotional response to this and, lacking access to any other tools for resolving the conflict or their strong emotions, yells and hits.

So in that moment, this is enormously powerful to see an adult enter the conflict, register upset over what is happening (the yelling/hitting) and then respond calmly. My mantra in these moments is often "say less." My kids know that the quieter I am in responding to a problem, probably the more angry I am, but I use the quiet to control my feelings so that I can respond calmly. I think every time I do this, my kids absorb it as another example of what it looks like to manage strong emotions in the moment and not let them lead to violence or yelling. With repetition, I have seen my kids mimic my responses and handle conflicts the same way -- calmly, even while expressing anger and articulating the problem ("sissy, you took my doll without asking and that is not okay"). It's satisfying to watch your kids develop this ability through your example.

I'll also note that if it's a big conflict, we usually debrief later when people are calmer. I don't believe in forced apologies because my impression is that they are not genuine, but we will talk about what went wrong, how we can handle it better next time, and also remind one another we love each other. Debriefs usually involve cuddles and hugs which reinforces connections between me and the kids and among the kids, and also help with regulation (physical touch is a huge part of regulating emotions, more so for some kids than others). During this time my kids will often spontaneously hug each other to make amends. It needs to happen when everyone is feeling calm though, and often after other needs (hunger, tiredness) are met.

None of this is easy but I've just found that dividends of finding ways to resolve conflicts with calm control just pay over and over. It's the single biggest parenting tip I have.[/quote]

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