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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thanks for the advice. I do not think spouse truly wants 50/50, but also think spouse cant imagine not appearing as if 50/50 was wanted. [/quote]

I got mine to agree to 43/57. (Basically instead of 5/5/2/2, we do 5/4/3/2). My STBX was always gone doing things for himself . . . I'd say he spent at least 50 nights a year on "me time" or guys' trips, in addition to work travel. He worked out every morning and got coffee after with friends, and he did happy hours and concerts most nights after work (in the guise of this being "networking"). Weekends he was either off doing hobbies or attending festivals.

When he [I]was[/I] home, he took the kids out to do stuff. He's basically incapable of sitting at home (probably has ADHD).

So when we were talking about how to split custody in coparenting therapy, I came prepared with the schedule I wanted. I pointed out how this way I could schedule the kids' activities and appointments for my days so he wouldn't have to do those, and how he'd have time for his "important work stuff" and hobbies and stuff. He cried and said he felt like he was being "punished for being the breadwinner" (disgustingly, his AP used those same exact words in her session with the same therapist), but he did agree to it. I said, "Are you SURE You want Wednesday and Thursday nights with the kids, because you like to go out a lot on those nights" and he cried some more and promised that he would plan all of his things for the nights when he doesn't have them. Well guess who still goes out a lot on his nights with the kids.  :roll: They're teenagers, so they don't need an adult at home, but still. His vision of himself as a parent and the reality are very far apart.

So yeah, I got mine to agree to this split. He does feel guilty and while he's a big doofus, he has always been really complimentary and appreciative of my relationship with the kids (he often gets verklempt and says what a good mother I am . . . I'm not sure if he notices that I never return the compliment, lol). So I think he viewed it as him being some magnanimous hero who let me have something precious, since I'm just some sad sack he abandoned for someone else and the kids are all I have left. Whatever, as long as he agreed.

So think on what actually matters to your STBX and see if you can frame it in a way that allows him to feel heroic and generous.

And actually, I see them way more than 57% of the time. They stop by after school. I attend all their activities. If their lessons or appointments fall on his days, I usually take them. And he often gives up a night here or there for work travel. There's rarely a day when I don't see at least one of my kids. If anything, I need to have some boundaries around time for myself.[/quote]

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