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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I, for one, think OP's idea is brilliant. The point where FIL can't take care of MIL may come from FIL declining and not MIL. Even if his current medical issue is likely to resolve favorably, he could end up in the hospital or worse for something else at any time.

The more both siblings know about both of their needs, the better. OP's plan seems like a great test run for and maybe ultimately can get FIL to see having some breaks is okay/MIL may do perfectly fine without him occasionally. (She will do better with the DH/sibling the more she gets used to it, probably.) Or you ease him into occasional respite care, etc.

I see the thinking that a worse time is coming so save your energy now as counterproductive. Higher needs are coming one way or the other, so best to ease into it and gain as much information/experience as possible now. This will help set up or rule out different strategies, and buy in from OP's husband will get him directly involved in learning what everyone needs now to be able to best serve the decline when it does happen.

FIL could be one fall/pneumonia/Covid instance away from months in the hospital and rehabilitation. He's not fully accepting that yet. Having seen parents decline, the more information and options and knowledge and experience you can have in place sooner the better. That will mean less stress when the acute emergency comes.[/quote]

OP back and thanks, you understand.

The Hackman deaths have given me anxiety. I could completely imagine a scenario where my FIL would refuse to hire any outside help and think he can DIY. He is one medical crisis away from leaving MIL completely alone.

I see DH complicit in denial of severity of his mother’s (and to a lesser degree his father’s) physical and mental decline. Precisely because my ILs have always done everything together (even in their younger days) FIL sees no reason to change this so it’s duo grocery shopping, errand running g and doctor appointments.

This is a great way to be certain that MIL is never left alone but becoming problematic. Recently FIL dropped MIL curbside and asked her to go in and wait while he parked the car. In the five minutes that elapsed, MIL, wandered well past the restaurant. Or, while loading the car for a trip out of town, MIL unpacked her luggage and stowed the luggage away. FIL had to repack everything.[/quote]

I think it was here people reminded me you protect the world from them (take car keys if not safe to drive), but you cannot protect them from themselves if deemed legally capable of making their own decisions. The Hackmans died on their own terms. The wife was young for that, but he lived to be what 94? He was at his home with his animals. It's very hard when they don't cooperate and you learn to accept they may die in a way you find unacceptable and avoidable. I had to explain this to one of my parents who refused to be in the right setting.

My family tells the strange story of how heroic my aunt was saving grandma from herself so she could live until age 97-miserable and wanting to die for about 20 of those years, but we'll ignore that. Grandma wanted to refuse treatment for illness after all her friends had passed away and she was sick of declining so aunt went to the ends of the earth to get her declared incapable of making her own decisions even though she didn't have dementia. I think she went the mental illness route. Then she forced treatment on her and forced every type of depression treatment on her including shock therapy-none of it helped much. Nothing brought this woman joy and when you visited it sucked the life out of you hearing how she could not appreciate anything in her life and wanted to die. She'd then criticize and insult you and try to make you as miserable as she was. Was my aunt heroic or just prolonging the torture for a woman who found joy in nothing and needed others to be unhappy as well? [/quote]

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