Reply to How to motivate an 8th grader who doesn’t want to do anything besides homework?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm confused what the problem is. She does her homework and classwork well and completely and has a healthy social life. What else do you want her to do?

When she gets to high school, encourage her to join a couple clubs.[/quote]

You’re basically requiring her to want to volunteer to do more work.  If there’s something specific you want her to accomplish, you can compel her to do it, but you can’t compel her to enjoy it.  You can either compel her to do something or allow her to volunteer, but volunteering means that she is free to not volunteer.  If you’re upset at her for not volunteering, then it wasn’t voluntary after all.

You can require her to do things you feel are important (whether it’s a specific activity, picking an activity just to be doing something, participating in a family activity, etc.) and expect her to do it without raising an unreasonable fuss (although she might respectfully comment), but don’t necessarily expect her to be happy about it or to be motivated to do more.

You can also seek out a wide range of opportunities to offer her and encourage any interest she shows in anything.  There’s a lot of the world to explore beyond academics, music, and sports.

If she likes skin care, maybe you could see if she’d like to go to a spa or have a spa day at home.  You could offer to get her a kit to create her own makeup.  Here’s a website I just googled about combining cosmetics and science, if she’s interested.  I’m sure if you look, there are probably lots of others, as well. 
https://www.sciencebuddies.org/science-experiments/cosmetic-chemistry/high-school
Who knows?  She could end up being a dermatologist or chemist someday.

Frankly, at this stage, learning to navigate social situations and relationships are important skills, themselves.  Assuming her friends aren’t negative influences, it’s probably great for her to hang out with them.

As for the teen romances, as long as they don’t violate your family’s values, reading in general is positive.  You might take her to the used book store before spring break to stock up, pick a tame romance to read to/with her, or pick out some chick-flick’s together for a movie marathon.

Don’t worry about what to tell the teachers.  If she was disruptive to the class or struggling academically you would have a responsibility to help solve the problem.  Your child is not a problem.  The teacher’s primary focus may be on academics, but you have to balance the different dimensions of your daughter’s life for her overall well-being.  If you put too much emphasis on achievement, the resentment she develops could ultimately be counterproductive. Moreover, burnout is real, even for teens.  My eldest pushed herself too hard and ended up too stressed in high school.  I was constantly trying to get her to relax and take a break.  The trick is to find the right balance.

Good luck to you and your daughter.  It sounds like she’s a great kid.[/quote]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful answer! 
We got her to try a lot of different activities when she was younger but once she is in middle school she just refused to do anything. She even hates PE and finds all kinds of excuses not to participate, but her teacher still gave her a pass for the class.

It’s mostly consuming nowadays, pop culture, influencers unfortunately. Long wishlist of skin care and clothes pushed by influencers. These days their “peers” are online.

I appreciate your perspective on the importance of social emotional learning at this stage. Hopefully that’s what’s going on. [b]There seems to be a lot of talk about boys, friendship drama and gossips[/b] and I assume that’s normal for this age and maybe taking a lot of their bandwidth? I guess we will just have to wait patiently.[/quote]

Does she come to you about these things? Do you listen to her? This is the time of life when teens begin to learn how to make their own decisions and values, but could use the guidance of others.

If you spend this time listening without judgment, being open, and encouraging communication, you might have a chance to share your values in such a way that she’ll actually listen. But if you’re too focused on getting her to do the activities that you think are right for her, and thinking this type of talk is a waste of time, then she will go to others (likely peers and influencers) to get guidance on these issues that are so important in life.
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