Reply to Can someone explain “friends” who speak badly behind your back?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NP. I am going to disagree with the assessment that it's insecurity, or at least that it has to be insecurity. I've seen women where it's just about asserting their dominance. They do it with total confidence. It's like a top dog baring its teeth, just letting all the other dogs know who's boss.

Some people also do this as a way to build a network and connections. They've discovered that negative gossip about others can be a binding agent for relationships -- "we hate all the same people." I knew a woman once who did this only she didn't actually hate anyone. She was friends with like 95% of the people she $hit talked behind their back. But if someone said "oh I don't like Janet," she'd jump right in with "yes Janet its he worst, isn't she." Then two days later she'd be hanging out with Janet $hit talking someone else. It was her social currency.

It got her in trouble more than once because while I don't think she ever really meant much of the negative stuff she said about other people, it could have real and hurtful consequences. I initially tried to just set boundaries with her ("I don't like saying stuff behind someone's back I wouldn't say to their face") it's just not how she worked. Then of course I found out she'd been talking about me (duh).

But it was weird because her gossip wasn't mean spirited even when it was negative or harmful. I think she just did it instinctively, probably something she learned from her mom or a sister about how women bond. It was too bad because she had other positive qualities.[/quote]

I see this more often than not, though I think for some it's meant to be supportive. [/quote]

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