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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Just be careful.  We had a neighbor whose mom wanted to move in with them.  She paid to have their garage renovated to meet her needs.  The neighbor took care of her for years.  When she passed, the siblings who did not take care of her, fought during probate or sued the neighbor.  The neighbor had to agree to 'pay back' the estate the money that was used to renovate their garage.  [/quote]

Horrible and happens more than you think.I have my own horror story.

I would do memory care. The revolving people in the home has so many pitfalls and it's more expensive. Let the sister know it's between 2 memory cares or she can take in mom.You don't want a sibling accusing you of taking money when upend your life to try to help the elder and the elder can turn on you with dementia induced paranoia and start making accusations. You'd' be surprised how family members fall for it too. Much easier to do memory care and visit and check on things. There are therapeutic lies to help get her there and help get her acclimated.

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Plus, as a PP pointed out, your lives will never be the same if she's in your home.  for your marriage or your kids.  How do you take a vacation if your care is not reliable---they fail to send someone at shift change/person calls out sick, and you are a 6 hour flight away?  What do you do then?

IMO, someone who is at the point of "wandering outside the home confused" belongs in a memory care facility.  For their safety.  Most are "locked in areas" so residents cannot simply escape (once again, for the resident's safety).  They will have safe outdoor spaces to use on nice days, they won't have access to stoves or things where a 1 min (the care giver needs to go pee) break where they can do something dangerous.

Not to mention, being around others has to help with the brain decline.  Being alone is not good for elderly people, let alone one with cognitive decline.  So just go directly to a facility, when you have the time to select the right place and get on a wait list for the next 2-3 months.

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With $5 mill in the bank, the MiL can move into a nice facility, even in memory care. Our mom resisted, but when she finally moved into one, and it certainly wasn’t on a $5 mill budget, she really flourished. Even memory care units can have daily activities for residents. They were fairly robust where my mom was. She rarely joined in the arts/crafts/games, but she always sat at the table with others and chit chatted while they worked on projects. She did participate when they would have more physical activities in the round.

And I agree with the PP, if your MiL has been wandering around outside the home, she should not remain alone any longer.

You are truly fortunate that money is not an issue. That is how safety ends up being compromised for many seniors.[/quote]

Agreeing with everything here. Memory Care can be a godsend. There is often a transition period where you may have doubts, but the activities and social piece make a huge difference. I saw my father light up in a beautiful way engaging with others even if the conversations were often the same and also singing and clapping. His old self would have snubbed a singing activity, but in this state the joy was heartwarming to witness.

Yes, the places are understaffed. Yes, occasionally we would visit and there would be a smell. Yes, sometimes they let him wear 4 layers of clothing on a hot day. I can tell you plenty goes wrong with 24-7 care at home and he was rotting on the sofa and mom was aging rapidly from the stress.

Don't assume if you take in your elder, your sibling will offer to supervise for a week while you are out of town. Don't assume your sibling will have much empathy or gratitude. Of and if there is a fall YOU may be blamed for not hiring good enough care. Even better, when sibling comes to visit, that sibling may expect you to cater to her/him as well as you watch the elder shower the one who does nothing with love and appreciation. So much easier to cope with any of this when the elder does not live with you and you are not the caregiver or care coordinator. Use the money to outsource it all and just visit.[/quote]

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