Reply to getting 5 and 7 yo to listen without yelling

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, mine are 4 and 6 and this has been a huge struggle.  I started reading the Kazdin Method for defiant kids and though I have started fully implementing the strategies, I think it has already made a difference for the better. The basic idea is, reward and praise praise praise for good behavior.  He goes into the whole checklist/sticker chart and how to do a reward system, but I have started with just praising any good behavior.

So for example, my 4 year old really struggles with staying in bed at bedtime and getting dressed in the morning.  I tried telling at bedtime my expectation for him and how I know he is a big boy and can understand now why sleep is important and that I knew he could do it. He will still wander out of his room and I (along with everyone else in household) just try to ignore him.  I don't yell at him and don't tell him to go back to bed in a menacing voice.  When he starts wandering back to his room, I will say "good night. love you!" .  Next morning, I praise him for everything he did right ("you did a great job not crying last night.  Even though you wandered out a couple times, you went back by yourself!  You are such a big boy!").  If he comes out of his room dressed, I enthusiastically praise him too.  If he doesn't get dressed, I offer to help him and if he does any part of the dressing himself, like putting on his sweatshirt, I praise ("great job putting on that sweatshirt all by yourself!").  It really seems to be working.  Just in the last couple weeks, bedtime has been much smoother and he has gotten dressed himself about 8 out of 10 times.

The game changer for me in reading that book is understanding that you cannot wait for PERFECT behavior to praise.  You have to praise ANY behavior that is a movement in the right direction.  And be specific about the praise.  So another example, my 4 year old is in the habit of kicking me during time ins.  I used to threaten him left and right and hold him down to stop the behavior and even when he did ultimately stop, I was still pissed.  I still threaten him when he does it but the minute he stops, I praise him specifically for stopping the kicking (even in the middle of screaming tantrum), and it has really helped.

Another thing we started doing in the morning is telling them that they can have a small treat if they are ready to go on time (like a small piece of chocolate or chocolate chips).  That means breakfast eaten, shoes and jackets on.  That really seems to motivate them.  Even then, I try to keep the tone positive. If a kid is throwing a tantrum in the morning, instead of saying "keep this up and you are not getting your treat" (which is what I used to say), I now say "come on, there's a treat waiting for you after all this.   You can do it".  The shift in tone seems to have a positive effect. [/quote]

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