Reply to Kid who can't take accountability for the smallest thing

Forum Index » Tweens and Teens

Reply to "Kid who can't take accountability for the smallest thing"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]The prior poster is correct that this is called Rejection Sensitivity Disorder and it is frequently co-morbid with ADHD and Autism spectrum disorders. It can also be totally normal teenage behavior because they are trying to be independent and establish control where they feel out of control. It can also be one way anxiety presents itself. For a kid with ADHD, they really didn’t hear you. I have ADHD and my kids say my name before they ask me a question. I frequently say to them “Listen with your eyes - aka look at me when I am speaking” and I ask them to repeat back to me what I said in their own words. I also knock before opening the door or wait a moment to start talking until I have their attention. If you don’t wait for them to pause and you interrupt their focus, they may give you a flippant answer just to make you go away. With the door closing or wandering off mid-sentence, that is also common in ADHD because their brain moves fast and they often assume they know what you will say next so when you are halfway done they are 2 steps ahead and done listening.

One of my kids has this and it’s frustrating because nothing is ever his fault. My husband has it to some extent too, but because he’s an adult he is not a rude jerk about it. The way I interpret it is that when they are corrected, questioned in a way that implies they made a mistake, or accused of something they feel deep shame and embarrassment - and the knee jerk denial, blame shifting, gas lighting, etc. is a protective reaction.

For my husband, I have learned that he knows when he screwed up and there is nothing to gain from asking him to admit it to me. There is also nothing to gain from using an I statement to tell him that I felt dismissed, disrespected, etc. In his mind, he didn’t make me feel that way with his words or actions. The easiest way for us to both get what we need is for me to say something like “next time . . . “ or “in the future . . . “ and he agrees or suggests some other option / solution. That is the equivalent for us of me saying “you messed up” and him saying “I know and I’m sorry.”

For the kid, I focus on language of choices, not character judgement. “You made a bad choice” not “you are a bad person”. We talk to him about sitting with bad feelings and understanding they will go away. We talk about having a growth mindset and learning from mistakes. We also stress that asking for help or admitting mistakes is a better choice than lying or covering it up. Finally in the homework example, we reward him for being honest. In our house if I asked about homework and he said he had none, but later I learn that was a lie, he loses screen time or another privilege for the next 24hrs. I remind him that the correct choice would have been to say “I have a bit of work, but I want to play video games to relax first.” In the second scenario we would have a quick chat about how much work and when he planned to start. For the slamming door mid-sentence issue, I try to start my statement with “I have 3 things to tell / ask you. And I hold up my fingers to count to 3 as I say them so they don’t just say “I KNOW!” after item 1. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics