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[quote=Anonymous]Echoing others: it's a long process and therapy helps but also just being self-forgiving and willing to keep learning and growing.

In my case the issue was that my parents were very young and immature when they got married and had kids and they did not have good parental role models either (both come from families with alcoholism and divorce and both lost parents young). So they couldn't provide guidance or support because they didn't know what it looked like. They leaned on us a lot to try and provide for them what they had not gotten from their own parents. This was very bad (please never ask your children to parent you) but through therapy I have also discovered that in a messed up way it did give me some good parenting skills because I had to parent my own parents if that makes sense.

So as a parent now myself I don't struggle that much to provide guidance and support to my child. The harder part is providing it to myself and accepting I will always have to be my own parent and guide and will never have that kind of scaffolding in my life. I think I mourn it all over again about once every 5-10 years -- realizing I will not have parental guidance and support through each new milestone or phase of life.

In addition to therapy I read a lot and draw inspiration from friends and colleagues who have or are the kinds of parents I want to be. I also talk to my spouse a lot about making sure we're on track to provide the environment and support we want to be providing. Having one kid has also helped immensely as it lowers the stress and means we are never spread too thin. When I thought about having another child I reminded myself that in addition to raising my actual child I am to a degree still raising myself.

Hopefully my own kid will have the kind of support and guidance neither I nor my parents had and she will have more option and feel more stable and secure. That is my goal anyway.[/quote]

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