Reply to Every marry someone and realize they are completely different than who you thought they were?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This happened to me. DH traveled a ton for work and we had met during the intensely structured time while we were earning our professional degrees, so that provided some cover for what was actually going on. In hindsight there were signs here and there that made sense in the context of his lifestyle so I dismissed them. We also didn't spend a ton of time with his extended family while dating but that also seemed normal during that phase of our life.

Anyway, after we married DH became almost immediately different and once we had our child he was completely different than the person he had presented to me. I actually begged him to go to a neurologist because I thought he had a brain tumor or early dementia.

It turns out that he had previously undiagnosed ADHD and high-functioning autism. The coping mechanisms and adaptations he had relied on fell apart once he had the responsibility and challenges of a new baby. It was so ugly. He threw terrible tantrums over really basic things and would go into shutdowns for days. The unpredictability of being in a relationship and parenting made him even more rigid and angry.

I slowly pieced together a lot of stuff in his family that included mental illness (not saying this is related to autism or ADHD, but mentioning it because it was bananas that he never noticed or mentioned the very obvious and diagnosed illnesses- and hospitalizations!- in his family?!) and a lot of autism, including lower-functioning autistic cousins living in basements and never coming to family functions. It's unclear if his family actually realizes what's going on- they are from a culture that pretends mental illness isn't real and I've heard the parent of one of the cousins with more severe autism speak derisively of an acquaintance who she thinks might "be Aspergers".

We stopped at one child and I've considered divorce a million times but won't go through with it because I would not want our child to deal with 50/50 custody and being under the sole care of DH.

It is really isolating and lonely because people are supportive of parents of children with ADHD or autism, but the few friends I have shared my situation with pulled away and have been visibly uncomfortable with the idea of an adult they know struggling with the impact of neurodiversity (even when it explains a lot about that person). I do a lot of covering for my DH now that our child is old enough to have friends and be social, because I can see that how important it is to have "normal" parents who participate in a neighborhood or school community.

At one point I confronted DH with why he would change so much after we married and not show me his real self while we were dating. He said that he always knew he was different and he knew he had to pretend to get friends and get into college and grad school and get the job he wanted. He said that when he was with me he felt like he could be himself for the first time in his entire life.

Great for him, a hellscape for me.[/quote]

Does your child have diagnoses, PP? I'm sorry things are so hard. What he said is kind of sweet in a sad way. A friend found an online support group for wives of DH's on autism spectrum to be helpful. [/quote]

So far we are fortunate. My child has moderate anxiety and is neurotypical save for low processing speed. I did have them tested as soon as they were elementary age even though they didn't seem to have any issues because I wanted to be prepared to give them the resources that my DH didn't get.

If anyone else is reading this and in a similar situation, I hope this makes you feel less alone:

I do see my DC affected by DH's behavior and I've been honest in explaining why he's like that in an age-appropriate way over the years (starting with "dad is like your classmate x, except that when he was younger people didn't talk about these things or know to help and so people just said he was weird"). It's a fine line between giving DC the information to not feel like they're going crazy in their interactions with their dad vs. parentifying them. I hate that DC is in this situation. DH loves DC on paper but is so short-tempered and defensive that the daily challenges and failures of raising a child trigger those traits every day. DH doesn't have the executive functioning skills to parent except on weekend days or vacations when there aren't schedules or commitments. I keep DC in a lot of formal activities because DH doesn't like people in the house and won't socialize. I want DC to have a full life and experience lots of other people. I wish they could have a less structured childhood and there were kids running in and out of the house and that we could go to big family parties or on group trips, and I'm sad I can't give them that. DH was really social when we first met but now he uses all of his social energy for work and the occasional friend coming in to town. We aren't part of couple-centric socializing and I've been dropped or excluded by friends because I don't have a husband who is part of things.[/quote]

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