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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You mention the past five years. How long have you been married? What was he like before the past five years? Do you think he was more affectionate before this, including while you were dating and engaged? Can you look back as objectively as possible and consider if affection then could have been him "masking" a basic lack of desire for affection, acknowledgement and sex?

Lack of day to day hugs is one thing; total lack of any sex for five years is quite another. There are people who don't hug or kiss but still have sex at least periodically. The fact he does neither is doubly worrying.

As someone noted above, this can be a sign of an affair. It also can be a sign of many other things: Depression (which can kill libido and make the depressed person so "dull" emotionally they have zero interest in hugs or non-sexual affection, and just sleepwalk through life and through relationships). A physical issue like thyroid or other hormonal problems. Low testosterone.

Also, did something change five years ago? Was there a big career change, or a death in his family, or you moved to a new area, or...anything? Can this be traced back in time to a period of change you and he might not have realized affected him mentally and emotionally?

I think the place to start is with a serious talk, one you have when there are no other distractions, he doesn't have to go out the door soon to do something else. No kids around. Phones off or away. And tell him that whatever the cause, the result of his lack of any outward affection, from the slightest hug to sex, is killing your regard for him, and you are asking him to (1) get a full physical workup including blood tests (be sure they test for low T, blood sugar, the works); (2) a depression screening; (3) marriage counseling to begin as soon as the other two rule out a physical or mental reason for his utter lack of interest in physical contact. And yes, you need to think hard about whether he is exhibiting any behaviors of someone having an affair--is he gone on work travel regularly, does he find he has to do extra things "at the office," etc.

I know the advice here is usually "Don't ask/confront because anyone having an affair will lie," but only you know if he would likely lie or respond by finally divulging anything that's there. But I wouldn't automatically assume an affair unless you have other reasons to suspect one. [/quote]

I don’t think he’s having an affair. It could be he’s going through a tough time with family issues, experiences with friends. But he doesn’t open up about this stuff so it’s difficult to truly know.[/quote]

Is that OP? Was that your one and only takeaway, the affair thing? Come on, OP. Reread. What happened five years ago? Have you told him it's time for a complete physical plus a depression screening? And why are you so afraid to say directly to him, "You don't open up about this stuff, so I have to ask point blank, are you having family or friend or work issues that are making you act as if I'm invisible?"....If you don't speak up, articulate clearly what you need, make some appointments for him, then insist he keep them or you will be talking about a change in the relationship -- how do you expect any change to happen? Get a grip and don't just say, "Well, he doesn't talk so it's hard to know...."

And yes, DCUM, I did say, make appointments for him, if she must. If he's going to be a clammed-up baby, then she has to take charge, IF she wants to salvage things. If not? She can leave and never know if possibly it wasn't an affair but he had low testosterone, or thyroid issues, or depression, or other [i]things which could have been helped[/i] if she'd spoken up and not taken no for an answer. FFS, I do not get relationships where people just assume the worst from the start and/or never tell their spouses what they need from them. SMH. [/quote]

I have had so many talks with him, I’ve lost track. It’s gotten to the point now where I am getting dejected by his non-responsive replies. Early on, he would say I’ll change, then of course he’d revert to more of the same. For my part, looking back over the years, I know I took him for granted in a lot of ways early on in our relationship. He was my first long term relationship ever. And I didn’t date much. And he knows that. As soon as I realized my behavior for what it was, I made great strides to change. But he has not. What makes it even more difficult is we have very different communication styles. I don’t beat around the bush and I also like to air things out, not let things fester. I truly believe in honest communication, not trying to make the other person somehow wrong, or to win an argument. He is the opposite of that.

I’ve been down the road of, but he’s otherwise a good guy, a good father, etc but I am human. I’ve sent him a message asking if he is available for me to plan a date night (we never have those) hoping to start a reconnect. I wouldn’t be surprised if he just ignored it.

I would never make medical appointments for him. I’d be horrified if he did that to me. I can suggest it, but to force him to go—-no way. Unless we’re both in our 80s or 90s and even then… [/quote]

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