Reply to Narcissistic SIL

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Narcissistic SIL"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You know what, I’m really tired of people on Instagram and DCUM throwing around “narc” so much. Narcissism is actually a clinical term and laypeople can’t diagnose it.

Isn’t it funny how you liked her at first? The most logical explanation is that over time, relationships with ILs devolve from well-intentioned, best-foot-forward interactions to familiarity to real life with real people and all their flaws and foibles. So liking someone at first and then eventually having problems and a strained relationship does not necessarily indicate “narcissism” so much as it indicates “human relationships.”[/quote]

Not the PP, but let me take a stab at this: My SiL generally doesn't like me. Some of it may be due to self esteem even though she attended elite institutions (in case she hadn't told you) and has had a fairly successful career in the arts and literature (not as successful as she would like, but much more so than many of her peers). Some of it may be due to having been the "only" girl for awhile with her dad, husband, and brother (now DH) and didn't like having to share the spotlight (look, that term would have never occurred to me, but a mutual friend of DH and SiL mentioned it after one of her outbursts about me).

I was raised to be a good IL, so I wasn't prepared for someone who didn't understand give and take in family life. It's always about them and their family. Their kids are older, so their "firsts" come first. When it comes around to our kids, well, it's not a "first in the family," so it's not a first and not worthy of any inconvenience.

I also didn't expect to learn that I'm "not an aunt" to her children because I'm not a blood relative. Her kids somehow have overridden her instruction to refer to us as "Uncle X" and "Y" and do use aunt. I had really looked forward to being an aunt but being a present one simply wasn't worth the conflict ("send money for BDs and holidays, but don't really interact with our kids otherwise").

SiL is super nice with DH's and my friends when they are visiting and we have friends over. One friend just doesn't get what I am saying - "she seems so nice." I learned, however, from another friend that this kind of "bait and switch" isn't unusual - she may be nice with them, but that doesn't mean she is nice to me. In fact, she may be extra nice to them in front of me in order to underscore how I'm not worthy of even her passing interest.

SiL and BiL visited recently. In some ways it was a good visit - bonding over their ailing parents, etc. I suggested the visit to DH as I know he wants to keep a relationship with her, preferably a good one. If anything, I've provided insight to him over time on how he should be transparent with her about their parents' finances, health, etc (they turn to him more than her), even if it takes extra time he doesn't always have, etc because it's the best way to handle sibling relations, especially in the later years.

But it wasn't an easy weekend in some ways. Some time after they left, I kinda broke down in front of DH and told him that it's just so hard to have to be around someone who really has no interest and can't even bother to feign it. I explained, for example, that I can pretty much write a narrative of her life, especially from HS on about what his sister has done, names of her friends, what she studied in college/grad school and where, the jobs that she has held, even the names of some. Then I told him that your sister would never be able to tell me my parents' names, what I studied in college, where I've lived, the jobs I've held, where I worked overseas, etc. She has never asked and is not interested in my past or present. FWIW, I've not necessarily asked her all these questions, I've simply listened when she was talking.

DH did acknowledge my feelings. On more than one occasion, he has mentioned that he doesn't always return her calls because after the perfunctory exchange of pleasantries, the conversation devolves into being one about her. I also know in some ways he wishes I would just accept it as he has. Alas, I don't think that's always as easy to do when you are not related.

So yeah, it's a strained relationship, at least for me, but I think that has more to do with her self-involvement, perhaps even narcissism, than just the ebb and flow of "human" relationships. [/quote]

Maybe she doesn’t like you because you are too long-winded and self-focused. I couldn’t get through even half of your me-me-me rambling. [/quote]

Yeah, right. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics