Reply to How to be married to an extreme avoidant?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What do you value most about him?

Does he have these challenges at work, too, or is he able to maintain steady employment?

[/quote]

Op here. He is extremely intelligent. I believe he loves me as best he can.

He maintains a low stress job that is focused on one of his special interests (college professor). [/quote]

Oh, that's awesome, and quite an accomplishment. Clearly he can put in the work when it's something that interests him, as otherwise he would not have gotten to that point.

I would suggest you try backing way off on trying to hold him "accountable." He quite possibly has high internal standards, and the additional pressure from you may lead to overwhelm rather than the result you seek. You also mentioned in your original post that he tries to get you "off his back," and I would guess this is in response to questions from you.  The person who gets to ask the questions has the power, and it sounds like maybe there's a dynamic here (or at least perceived) where you are the authority figure, and maybe he feels backed into a corner.

Work at being an extremely safe place for him.  (you can't change him, you can only change yourself and see if that works -- but worst case, you learn some things about yourself in the process even if ultimately you divorce down the road) [/quote]

Nope

Don’t accommodate dysfunction.

Call a spade a spade Op. he is not marriage material and never will be. I don’t care if he’s book smart and is an underpaid professor at a tier three college. [/quote]

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