Reply to Specific midlife crisis issue: playing "what if" with your life?

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[quote=Anonymous]I do this with my marriage. I'm happily married and have no interest in leaving my spouse (or cheating). We have a wonderful child together who I love with all of my being and I would never wish our if existence.

But sometimes I think about what if I'd stayed with this or that ex. Or I meet someone interesting I'm attracted to and think what if I'd met this person instead of my spouse.

It's not longing, I'm not sitting around wishing I'd married someone else. I just think "what if I had?" Like a thought experiment to occupy my mind. I think my brain does it to deal with long-term monogamy, like virtual dating that only happens inside my head.

It's also a bubble that pops. There is almost always a significant reason why it's unlikely things would have worked out as well with someone else. With exes-- well, we broke up for reasons. With others, there's always something. Recently I met someone I had real chemistry with who is also married with kids. But the "what ifs" were shortlived because they have an extremely different values/religious profile to me. We light have attraction but it would never work.

I think the same is true of a lot of careers. You'll think "oh what if I'd become a lawyer," but if you think about it, there are concrete reasons why you didn't, and also like any job it has downsides (there are lots of unhappy lawyers).

But I think it's normal to wonder at this age. It's not a betrayal of your real life. They are just thoughts.[/quote]

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