Reply to Struggling getting 4 year old to cooperate

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You talk about “telling her a million times” and “making threats”, but you don’t talk about what consequences you give her when she doesn’t comply.  If all you’re doing is talking, then it doesn’t matter if you threaten her a million times because she knows you won’t follow through.

If that’s the case, then sometime when things are calm (not at bath time) sit her down and explain that you will now be enforcing consequences, and then do so.  At bath time, you might give her a 5-minute heads up if she’s doing something else (“Five minutes until bath, wrap it up”), then tell her when it’s time for bath.  If she’s uncooperative, remind her of the consequence, and if she doesn’t comply, give the consequence. If (like with my strong-willed child), she remains defiant, then impose another consequence until you find one that matters to her.  If you have to make a list of lost privileges to keep track, do so.

On the other hand, find some time when she’s not in trouble to give her a treat, stressing that you love her and want to do nice things for her, but you can’t when she misbehaves.

Things may get worse for a while before they get better.  She’s going to test whether you’re really committed or will give up.  Be consistent and follow through every time.

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Op here. Thanks again to all for the responses. Can you please tell me some of the consequences you use? I’m struggling with what are appropriate consequences.

With the bath stalling, we will tell her she is losing time to read and snuggle after bath (which she loves). I hate losing that time because it’s my favorite time too! There’s always the threat of no tv or treats, but I’ve read consequences need to be more immediate, not something she’d lose the following evening.

We talk a lot about helping each other as a family but I don’t think she honestly cares too much about that. 😂[/quote]

Ideally, consequences would be immediate, but when the misbehavior happens at night, that may not be practical.  If a consequence is delayed, then I’d give a reminder - “No, you can’t do X because, remember, last night you didn’t get in the bath when we told you”.

I know you hate giving up the cozy bedtime story, but it might be your most effective tool.  Here are some other things you can try.  I usually took them away according to my order of preference. For example, I’d take away treats/dessert readily, but books were one of the last things I’d take away.

Some consequences you might try:

time-outs (1 min/yr - so 4 minutes for a four year old) - good generally but might be counterproductive in this case because you’d be punishing her for delaying her bath by delaying her bath)

plain bath (no toys, bubbles, water dye, etc.)
earlier bedtime (if your schedule allows)
no treats
no TV
take away favorite toy (to play with - I wouldn’t take away comfort object)
no park (or playdate, special outing, etc.)
take away art/craft supplies
no puzzles
no games
keep taking away items/privileges

You’ll need to find out what matters to your child, and even then they may resist. With my strong-willed daughter I used to have to keep a list on the fridge of everything she lost, and sometimes it seemed pretty bleak, but she’d still tell me “It’s okay that you took away X, I can still do Y”. So then Y would be the next thing she’d lose.

Don’t forget to give her positive reinforcement when you can.  We reached a turning point once when I realized she hadn’t lost treats yet and took her for one. I reminded her that I loved her and wanted her to be happy. I told her that I wished I could give her more treats and do more special things with her, but when she chose to misbehave I couldn’t, making me sad too.

Good luck and stay strong.  This isn’t a quick fix, you have to be prepared for the long haul.  But if you consistently show her that bad things happen when she disobeys, but good things can happen when she obeys, eventually she’ll recognize it’s in her best interest to cooperate.  Remember, you aren’t doing this to her, she’s making the choice to accept a consequence rather than cooperate.  
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