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[quote=Anonymous]It sounds like you're doing great, OP!

Your DS is a teenager. He's trying to figure things out. Where does he agree with you and DH, and where does he not? Where is he willing to go along with the family values, and where does he want to distinguish himself (in this case by admiring/seeking more expensive things)?

All normal - this is what being a teen is about in many ways - but it sounds like he has the type of personality where he's figuring it out by verbalizing his every thought in a way that criticizes and insults you all, and makes you feel unappreciated and taken for granted.

His tastes and preferences are fine - they are different to yours, but that's ok.  They are what they are, and I wouldn't at all assume this is the way they'll always be. He may be trying out a wanna-be identity of that Richie Rich type of kid. Who knows. Teens go through all sorts of phases.

Two pieces of practical advice:

When he opines on all the fancy and expensive things he wants/admires for this stage of his life (teenage status-signalling stuff), I'd just smile blandly and say, "Nice. That's a great use of the money you're earning at [job]. And remember, you can always ask for money towards that for your birthday/Christmas." You say that he's cheap when it comes to spending his own money - that's completely typical for teens. So just keep pointing him back in that direction, and at some point he'll see he's not getting anywhere with you and will either spend his money or stop.

When it comes to the bigger stuff (fancy hotels and cars, etc.), I'd stick to the same. "Mmm. Sounds nice. I can totally see you doing that when you're older and have a big job." That's it. If he moans or complains about why you aren't buying or doing those things now, again, keep it simple. "Yeah, that's not the way we roll. But you can totally do that when you're working after college!" If his wants are unrealistic (which it sounds like they are for a first job out of college), he'll figure it out as he goes along later.

Finally, his rude, condescending, complaining BEHAVIOR is not at all ok. So nip that in the bud. "Yeah, you've told us. You think this is lame. Enough." Or "Yeah, that's rude. And you know it's not the way we talk to each other around here. Just stop."  Again, and again and again.

He's not going to change overnight. He's going to keep articulating his rude/obnoxious/ungrateful/pity-party thoughts about why you all don't buy/do all the fancy things he wants. But if you keep it simple and consistent by shutting it down every time (without being dragged into arguments!), he'll learn to STFU.

Last point, based on our own experience around here: Lecturing or punishing teens for "not being grateful" is not going to get results. Some teens are just so self-absorbed that actual gratitude is out of reach for them right now. Focus on shutting down the obnoxious BEHAVIOR every time. And trust that his VALUES may become more aligned with yours over time, as he matures.

For some teens, appreciation and gratitude comes much, much later than for others. Keep focusing on living your values and keeping his behavior in check.  Good luck!
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