Reply to College student floundering re how to find a summer internship or job

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The idea of making your kid flounder so that it will teach them to pull it together is based in the flawed belief that people should be “self-made” and pull themselves up “from their bootstraps”.  Failing and figuring it out does contribute to growth, absolutely.  But most of the people around you who meet all the hallmarks of traditionally defined success (money, nice house, nice cars…) just didn’t get there on their own, no matter how much they want you (or themselves) to believe it.  There is so much hidden support that it makes everyone else believe that if their kids don’t flounder and figure it out themselves, they’ll never figure it out like all of these self-made successful people.

Here’s the truth.  A very, very small percentage are truly self-made.  The others also work hard, but they (rightly) take  advantage of all the opportunities afforded to them to get a leg up and start the race already ahead of the rest.  Because life can be hard.  Parents pay for college or pay off their loans, give large sums for down payments, help with major home renovations, and generally find ways to transfer wealth before it becomes inheritance, they call in contacts to help with a first job, pay for multi-generational family vacations, give them their “old” car which happens to be a BMW/Mercedes/Lexus.  I know, because I am now one of them.  Married into a family with wealth and it is so, so eye-opening.

I, and many others, falsely believed that smarts, hard work, risk-taking, and perseverance in the face of hardship is what led to others’ success.  Nope.  It was actually being able to live rent-free in their parent’s NYC apartment while they fearlessly built their careers and saved a sh*t ton of money.

I’m teaching my kids the values of hard work and perseverance.  I let them make minor mistakes that have no consequence other than a bruised ego that comes with a good life lesson.  But I will make sure a financial and emotional support follows them wherever they go.  And they should never be ashamed of it. [/quote]

+1 to all of this.  My DH and I were both truly "self made," but we are happy to give our kids the support we never had. I initially had the attitude that they needed to find their own opportunities, but then it became very clear in our circles that you're doing your kids a disservice if you aren't helping them.  They still learn a ton about how to apply for jobs and correspond with adults in the working world, but we can get their foot in the door and provide guidance along the way.

As for financial support, we've never provided our kids an "allowance" (after college), but we have provided support along the way along the lines of your examples -- give the kids our "old" cars, set up college funds for the grandkids, etc.  If everything goes as planned, they should inherit a tidy sum of money when we're gone. I think it's better to help them now when they need it more and we can see them enjoy it.  [/quote]

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