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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Your level of stress is not normal. This is not your life, but your kids lives. They will get in, somewhere. Nobody needs to go to their "dream" college, and shouldn't even have one. They can always do community college for a year or two and then transfer somewhere they'd like to be. [/quote]

It feels like I have a HUGE part in this though. They are so young and don't know enough to decide on their own. They ask for my opinion a lot. This past week was course selection for senior year and even that was a huge decision I needed to give input on. My ds made a mistake freshman year selecting a course and it has hindered him since. It was my fault and it's the reason why he is ranked lower than dd (that one course was not advanced enough) It feels like too much responsibility.[/quote]

But here's the thing: I work at a law firm, okay? And there are two partners the same age, with the same amount of experience. One went to SUNY Albany and then McGeorge Law. One went to Georgetown and then Yale Law. And yet they both wound up in the same place, with the same title. Even if your son gets into a lower-ranked school that doesn't mean his life is over. I'm 47, I don't know where most of my friends went to college, because it becomes irrelevant once you're around 24-26. People make mistakes all the time. They learn from them and move on. So you suggested the wrong class to one kid. He can still be a successful adult despite what his mommy decided for him in 8th grade! Can't you see how insane this is?[/quote]

I agree completely, but without the condesencion or snark of the PP.

This process is as stressful as we choose to make it.  And I totally understand why it feels like a choice made during freshman year had massive effects on everything that followed.

That IS the black-and-white mindset of many parents in this area: Either everything has been done "perfectly," or everything is a "failure".  It's just not true.  There are so many paths to success for our kids - and for us as parents raising healthy, successful kids.

Please don't let your past decisions weigh you down.  Same for your DCs' past decisions.  No doubt you all did the best you could at the time. Kids all mature differently, and should not be compared to each other (or to "optimal" versions of themselves - none of us can be at our very best every time!)

So my advice is to widen your scope.  Recognize that there are so many possible good outcomes here. (Think in terms of ALL the colors - not just black or white.)  Our kids can and will thrive in MANY different settings, and they will take different routes and lengths of time to get there. Fellow parents who tell you otherwise are really misrepresenting the situation.

Finally, my personal advice is not to over-extend yourselves financially by paying (or borrowing) for private college. The stress is not worth the upside, in my opinion or experience. If one or both of your DCs can get merit aid that brings the cost down to the level of in-state tuition, great.  If not, watch them thrive in-state instead, and don't second-guess yourself. As PP said, the world is full of immensely talented, happy, successful people who did not go to expensive private colleges.

Again, there are so many paths to happiness and success. Our kids benefit when we stop stressing ourselves (and them) out trying to optimize every decision. And we benefit, too!
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