Reply to I recently realized that my 13 y.o. daughter is comparing her attractiveness to mine, so I need to step up my game

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Reply to "I recently realized that my 13 y.o. daughter is comparing her attractiveness to mine, so I need to step up my game "

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I really relate! It sounds kind of retrograde, but I don't think it is.

Like you, I was raised by a mom who didn't care at all about her looks. Or more accurately, she cared deeply about them because she was very ashamed of them, but didn't do anything change them. She has been very overweight since I was a kid, she puts no effort into dressing in a flattering way (forget being on trend or whatever -- just wearing flattering clothes that fit properly and look nice with her skin and hair). She would cut her own hair or get $5 haircuts at some cheap salons. She'd either wear no makeup or slather on foundation to even out her skin tone but then nothing else, so she'd look pale and bland.

I know all that sounds super harsh, but I don't mean it that way. I'm not mad at my mom for doing thing, it just makes me sad. And as an adolescent and teen, it was tough for me because as I went through puberty and started thinking about how I wanted to look, and also how my looks influenced how others perceived me, I felt very alone. My older sister was very savvy about all of that but had no interest in helping me along, in fact sometimes she was hostile to me and would nitpick my clothes or hair without giving me any support or guidance. My mom could also be very critical of me, and had this idea that making an effort with clothes or makeup was embarrassing, but also that my natural looks weren't good enough.

I think all of it stemmed from a place of self-loathing. She didn't think she deserved to put effort into her appearance because she was raised to think that "superficial" interests were shallow and embarrassing. But she also felt bad about her looks. And then she'd take this out on me because if I wore makeup or attempted to dress in a trendy way, she'd criticize me for being shallow, but she'd also tell me I wasn't attractive.

Anyway, I now have a daughter and I don't compete with her at all but I think I have a duty to demonstrate to her what it means to feel good about your appearance. I don't dress young for my age or wear a ton of makeup (but wouldn't judge a woman for doing either of those things) but I put effort into my appearance and choose clothes, hairstyles, makeup that make me feel good and like myself. My DD and I have bonded over clothes and beauty even though we have different taste. Sometimes I let her recommend things to me and I try them out, though I might say "no, not for me" if it doesn't suit me. But I encourage her to experiment and find stuff that feels good to her. I think we both have a healthy relationship with fashion/beauty. It doesn't dominate our lives but we have fun with it sometimes and we generally like how we look.[/quote]

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