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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  Just wanted to provide an update.  My father woke up this morning in good spirits because he had a much awaited BM last night.  I spoke to him on the phone about the anxiety and obsession and how it impacts mom’s (and frankly his own) physical and mental health.  We spoke for a while.  He shared some things that were helpful to understand.  I do think cognitive decline is part of this because, well, that comes with aging just like the physical decline.  No one can stop it.

He says that he’s ready to go.  That he has lived a great life.  He’s the only one left in his family (of that generation) and has outlived his peers on two continents.  He’ll be 93 on Friday.  He says he’s happy with everything that he has received in his life and wants nothing more.  He says he has no earthly needs and doesn’t understand why he’s still here.  He prays that when his time comes, that it be peaceful.  He is terrified of a painful, bloody death.  He has seen it and heard stories of it and, in his confusion as to why he’s still here, he also wonders if he has done something wrong in his life that will lead to a painful death.  And he knows he can do nothing about it.  He’s wondering if he is being punished because he is still here.  My dad was never religious as far as I can remember.

Sigh.  It was a deep and enlightening conversation.  I can’t save him from this fear.  I have no answers.  I will likely feel it myself someday if I’m lucky enough to experience longevity but also unlucky enough to experience longevity.

Hopefully this update helps someone else who is struggling with this to understand the mind of an aging person.  [/quote]

I'm glad you had such a good conversation and that he's in a good place for the moment, at least!

Does he have a DNR and health care proxy in place, preferably with you or a sibling if you have one, and not your mom (i.e., someone who can make decisions in the moment but is not necessarily also in a similar position of being old with cognitive decline)? The best way he can assure himself of as peaceful a possible passing is to make the decisions right now -- and put them in writing -- that he does not want  CPR, he does not want to be intubated, he does not want surgery or cancer treatment if he's diagnosed, he does not want medical interventions, he wants comfort measures only. There is in fact something he can do to help fend off some of the possible, if not probable, causes of painful deaths that we subject the elderly to with medical overtreatment.

That doesn't have to mean he doesn't get meds for anxiety, or try to deal with his bowels so that he's not uncomfortable or unduly worried. (And having a BM every day is not necessary for good health!) But he needs to make sure his wishes are in writing and that everyone understands him, because the default otherwise will be heroic measures if he has a heart attack or stroke, e.g.[/quote]

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