Reply to Harvard psychologist: if you answer ‘yes’ to these 9 questions, then

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[quote=Anonymous]I think the questions are thought provoking but think it's easy to answer a general yes to many of these regarding most day to day situations, but it can be harder to embody these ideas when very challenged.

For example, I'm currently in a conflict with a neighbor who I personally think would be a hard no on both of these (but since he is incapable of admitting he's wrong, would of course answer yes to all of them). I did not start this conflict and for 18 months after this person moved in next to me, I maintained my emotional maturity in response to his childish behavior. I listened to his complaints and accusations and was open minded about his perspective, even advocating on his behalf to other neighbors when I felt he had a point. I admitted when I was wrong. I articulated my own position in a polite, respectful way.

The more emotionally mature I was, the angrier, and nastier, he got. He perceives my calm responses as arrogance. He perceives my effort to support him when I do agree with him as "controlling" and "condescending." He has alienated, or simply made enemies out of, every one of his neighbors, but he has decided I am the core problem and started directing his attacks mostly at me. He is vicious-- name calling, nasty emails. He has screamed at me through the window of my car.

I am, at this point, struggling to remain emotionally mature. Sometimes when I get some of his nasty emails, I say vicious things about this man to my spouse, who then has to talk me down so I don't reply. I have responded to his rude comments and screaming by raising my own voice at him, something I find shocking in myself. But mostly I just FEEL dysregulated. I feel ruled by my emotions. It is taking a lot of work to maintain control over my emotions.

The experience has made me realize that to some degree, having emotional maturity is a privilege, because it is so much easier to maintain when you are around others who are also emotionally mature, and when people are mostly respectful towards you. Even in conflict, I've never interacted with anyone this viciously nasty before. I feel so tested by this experience.

So reading that list, I want to answer as I was a year ago, and not as I feel today. I can see how someone who, for example, was raised by very emotionally immature people (as I suspect my neighbor was) might struggle with these things in life because I've learned how hard it is to have restraint and self control when being treated in this way.[/quote]

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